The pain I've hidden for so long
by The Over9000NinjaAlchemist
Summary: Mikey's struggled to keep up with his family, he just wants them to love an accept him... When his family realise of the pain their baby brother falls in they try to help him not before the Shredder decides to step in and erase Mikey's memories... And they realise life was easy compared to the what they're dealing with now 2012
1. Words

So this is chapter 1! Really sad! I'm not very good at first POV, I think I did pretty well this story! Any way I hope you like it! 

Mikey's POV  
I've never told anyone, but Leo was his senpai. I looked up to him more than any of my brothers. He treated me different from Raph, he never yelled at me as much as he did. Didn't tell me to go away as much as Don... Then why was his voice so cruel and unforgiving now?...

His eyes were cold, we shared similar eye colour, blue. The only difference was his dark blue, I'd always joked that was why Splinter had given him that mask colour. His jaw was straight, I could see his curled fist shake, like he was deciding whether to hit me, I didn't know why, what did I do wrong? Just a prank... Maybe it was all adding up for him, all I'd do to him... Nothing, just a life of innocent pranks. His voice eoched in my mind. _Go_ _away_ _Mikey_ _!_ _No_ _one_ _likes_ _you_ _!_ I drew in a pained breath, pain from the voices caving into my head, now the only one I felt that cared about me hated me... Wet tears filled the corners of my eyes, so I couldn't see Leo raise his fist  
"Go leave!" He shouted. I pushed in my trembling jaw, yellowed teeth pushed into fillings Donnie had given me from my lack of teeth care dispite Splinters warnings that I had to take of them. His rough hands pushed into my shoulders. I allowed myself to stumble. My heartbeat was fast from fear, fear of what was going to me... Raph and Donnie would agree. Agree that that I was just a pain in the shell to them. That I should just leave them alone for the rest of their lives... I let my body fall into a curled position, I rocked my body, tried to take the pain from my chest, block out the the memories from my family... Why? I thought family had to care? Take care of me? Was it my fault that I saw the world different from them? That I was optimistic and enjoyed to escape? Escape from the world... Voices blurred out, became muffled through my tears and whimpers, Leo was an outline of green, he showed no sign of trying to comfort me. Maybe he regretted or he was scared of how I'd react.

Leo's POV  
I stared down at Mikey's position, his half bare feet made a soft tapping every time he brought down his rocking. My throat digged for words of comfort for my little brother, his face buried into his leather knee pads, which I doubted would be comfortable, he hiccupped through his sobs. Not once did I imagine my words would hit him this hard, bring him to this state, curled on the lounge room floor, me standing in guilt in front. I noted on Donnie standing at his lab door, Raph, April and Splinter next to him. I refused to meet their eyes.  
Mainly Splinter's... I noticed April whisper to Donnie, who nodded. My heart ached to see my little brother like that. I drew in a breath and knelt down.  
"Mikey." I whispered quietly.  
"No." He sobbed. I shook my head, and pressed a strong hand on his shoulder. Mikey waved his shoulder, like he was trying to push me off, I kept my ground. How was I suppose to know Mikey was hurting?  
"Listen to me." I tried. Mikey remained silent.  
"Michelangelo." I said softly but in a strong voice.  
"What did I do wrong?" He asked, his words shocked me, what did he do wrong? It was me, I replayed my poisonous words in my head, he was trying to play. I was just in a bad mode. I'd failed my job as the leader, the older brother. I didn't protect my team from the enemy... Me. I was the enemy that forced his walls to fall... Who was I to him?  
"Nothing... Little brother." Some one said. I looked up, Raph was smiling at Mikey. I couldn't see April, i guessed she left. Emerald orbs locked into my eyes, no emotion, no words to the failed leader. Donnie wrapped his arms around Mikey, much to my own confusion, he pushed him off. Mikey's arms clung to my shoulder, his body pushed me down. A hug. His head pressed into a battle scared shoulder.  
"I love you Leo, you know that?" He asked. I lost for words. "I love all of you, I don't understand why?" His words changed back to the sob. Half of me wanted to ask what the why was, but I already knew. He wanted to know why we picked on him. Tears sprung to my eyes.  
"Mikey, you are the most wonderful brother ever." I sobbed, guilt. My entire life of cruel words to my brother sprung back. I felt Donnie's carefully long hands wrap around us. Raph's rough,strong hands follow. Finally Splinter's our fathers. Gentle, strong warm hands. As a child we had all loved Splinters hugs, he'd bound us up, tell us he loved us. I didn't know what we looked like. A pile of sobbing a family. I didn't care...

Raph's POV  
We curled for hours, I could hear the TV still, no one bothered to turn it off, no one cared. By know I would of pulled off, announced this was too soft for my liking, truthfully I loved it, my family together. Not moving, not leaving. Just one together. Our family. Some part of me felt like our family wasn't complete. Because one of us, was complete. He couldn't feel the love that he'd reached for. He could feel the love that he longed for so long. It was my fault, my life whole life I have always felt protective of him. He was my little brother, then why did I fail to protect him now? Why did Mikey fall on the floor, curl in a ball and sob. Because I couldn't protect him.

Donnie's POV  
I was right under Raph and Splinter's, the weight of the giant rat at muscle building turtle. But I was happy. Never once did I think that Mikey was hurting, that all those times I'd told him to go away, would hurt his heart. Being a scientist I looked at the more logical side of things, tried to explain were emotions come from. Why Mikey was feeling the rejection from his own family. I had always thought I was closest to Mikey as we'd guessed that I was the second youngest and he the youngest. We were most seen together, than with the two others. We were also the softest, the least violent. Sort of. Mikey would generally come to me for comfort and boredom reliving techniques. And I would reject him... Mainly because when he did it evolved breaking bits of my project or experiment. An accident, he never meant harm. But that was what he got. Emotional harm, rejections.

So you read the whole thing! Yay! PLZ fav,comment, follow!


	2. Broken bonds

**Alright** **chapter** **2! Yeah! More** **depressing** **story. I've** **recently** **been** **really** **hooked** **into** **stories** **like** **this, its** **kind** **sadly** **relatable...hehe** **anyway! Haha! ?** **ﾟﾘﾐ**

 **Oh** **yeah** **and** **I** **love** **that** **quote** **above! I** **saw** **that** **on** **Pinterest** **and** **was** **kinda** **surprised** **how** **relatable** **it** **is!**

Mikey's POV  
A groan escaped my throat as I stretch my legs out, the cold autumn air hits my coldblooded skin. I quickly groan, and proceed to  
curling into my usual ball of comfort. It was hard being coldblooded at times, but me and my brothers have never known any thing else.  
"Mikey." A soft voice whispers in my ear. I allow another groan to pass through my lips. A rough nudge against my shell. Raph, I quickly presume. I wait for a mocking word to follow from my older brothers lips.  
"We'll wake Don up instead, let Mikey sleep in." Raph whispered to probably Leo. My eyes open, Raph never lets me sleep in? My vision clears and I notice I was on the lounge room floor, Donnie curled next to me, his annoying gap toothed whistle blowing in my ears. Over us was the old large blanket we used to sleep with back when we still sleeped together. I hadn't seen this blanket in years, always assumed Splinter threw it out after it got too moldy and rat was I?... The moment hits... The breaking. We must of fallen asleep after my brothers had tried to make me feel better. They never knew the true me, they never could see how much I hurt. Talk about good older brothers. Tears burn in the corners of my eyes. I try to force them back, as I duck my head from Raph and Leo's view. I didn't want them to see my weakness.  
"Donnie?" I hear Raph say, I struggle to keep my sobs in my chest. Donnie groans and plants a hard foot against my plastron. I try to ignore it, pretend I'm still sleeping.

* * *

I steal a look at my brothers, Don had woken up, and was now talking to Leo, I noted my name escape from Leo's lips. I close my eyes when Raph's head jerks to my direction.  
"Should we take him to bed?" Raph asked.  
"Nah, we might wake him up." Donnie shook his head, rubbing his skin under his knee pad

* * *

"Hiya!" Donnie shouted from the dojo, I was still supposedly 'sleeping' I had taken this time to think. I couldn't forgive them. They were my older brothers, they had to protect me. I wasn't the smartest person, but I was pretty sure that didn't count as picking on me our lives.  
"Yame!" Splinter called loudly. Loud relief pants left the room.  
"Is Mikey awake yet?" Raph asked.  
"I don't know?" Leo shook his head, I doubt he'll want to wake up, after what we did to him." Leo voice died down. I clenched my fist, no I didn't want to 'wake up' my stomach flipped when they went to the kitchen, they were talking under their breaths, like we did when we knew Splinter was meditating over something important.

"Argh, we're being nice, but Mikey's the only one who came actually cook." Raph groaned from the kitchen, my inhanced trained ninja ears picked up on the sound of bowls being pulled out and the cereal from the top of the fridge, once again Raph picked up on the only things I was good, to help them. Sure I loved cooking, but. I heard Raph growl at another one of Donnie's spy roaches that had climbed into the cereal to keep warm. Another reason I cooked breakfast. They never appreciated me, except if it helps them. They all had something to help the team. Leo the leader, Raph was the best at smashing people, Don and his brain. What did I have?... The ability to make good food? What did that do? I never heard my sobs, but the next thing I knew was Leo had wrapped an arm around me.  
"Mikey?" He whispered. "What's wrong?" His voice soft and sentimental. My lip quivered, usually I would pore my heart to Leo, being the older brother he would be a good listener, but lately my feeling for the fearless leader had being shifted. I pulled my freckled cheeks into a scowl. Leo's eyes searched for reason for my blurred eyes and clenched jaw.  
"Mikey." His voice broken. His shoulders sagged. I pushed my shoulder up, forcing Leo's curled hand off. Leo allowed himself to fall back.  
"No." My voice hard and broken. I passed Donnie and Raph, whose faces were both unreadable.

* * *

"Master Splinter?" I asked, walking into the dojo before giving the OK. Splinter was meditating under the tree he grew. Splinter's eyes opened, as I curled my legs under infront of Splinter. He didn't bother to ask what the problem was, he already knew. So I began to talk.  
"Sensei... I don't get it." The sob was brought back to my voice. "What did I do wrong?" Splinter furred arm curled around me, he was the only I felt that still cared about me.  
"My son, you are the most wonderful son. You are gifted with talents that are unfound..."  
"Then why do they..." I began. Splinter's eyes met mine. Chocolatey red, fatherly and caring.  
"People have always missed the gifts people hold."  
"Leonardo," Splinter half shouted, snapping his brown and black snout up from the top of my head. "Do you, Raphael and Donatello want to leave Michelangelo and me alone?" Leo flinched.  
"Uh hai sensei, sorry." He bowed, Donnie and Raph followed and left.  
"Michelangelo?" Splinter looked back at me. "Look at me." He ordered.  
"Yes?" I asked.  
"Do you ever think we don't care about you?" His voice was soft and questioning. His words hit me hard, what kind of question was that? Isn't this what this was all about?  
"My son?" Splinter said calmly.  
"Yes," I bowed my head. "Father." I finished. Splinters eyes broke.  
"My son, never think that, you are loved more than you can imagine."  
"Loved?" I growled, on a regular occasion I would have never dared to use any other tone, but this was different. "Yeah, that's why my brothers care so much for me." I tried to hold back my tears by using a different tone, so nobody could see the broken bond my brothers have torn, it wasn't my fault they acted like I didn't matter, like I was a burden, to be looked after and cook breakfast. My whole life I'd tried to hold back, not showing the poison that constantly was forced into my ears. The bruises from Raph's anger. I stood up and glared down at my master, my heart knew Splinter didn't deserve this. I came to him for guidance. But I needed someone to blame.

 **Yeah! So** **this** **is** **my** **story!** **Yeah** **hope** **you** **like** **my** **story** **so** **far!**  
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	3. A broken family

**Hey** **dudes! So** **this** **is** **chapter** **3! I** **really** **hope** **you** **like** **it! Yeah** **I** **really** **hope** **you** **guys** **are** **liking** **what** **happening** **so** **far!**

Leo's POV

I was meditating in my room, because Splinter and Mikey were talking. I heard Mikey growl, my stomach flipped pulling over my broken heart, broken from this family. I couldn't help to hate myself, I'd failed at being an older brother. Mikey's sobs pounded inside my head, this was my fault. Shouting was heard in the dojo, I shot up and sprinted the dojo. Mikey was glaring down at our father. His lip curled in a very un-Mikey sort of way. Splinter's face was unreadable, but I knew he was sad. Sad for Mikey's feelings. How much Mikey felt disconnected to us. It was my fault... My train of thought was broken from Mikey's scream, my head jerked up, that scream sounded like a frustrated shout, like he was angry at him he was angry at himself. I didn't know what Mikey was going to plan, but I run up curled arms around Mikey, forcing him down. He didn't try to struggle in my arms, tears ran down my cheeks.  
"Michelangelo listen to me," I said carefully. "I am so sorry, please stop." I wanted it to end, I wanted Mikey to calm down, I wanted him to the impossible, forgive us. My heart understood he wouldn't. What reason did he have too?

Raph's POV  
When I heard the scream I slammed down my comic and ran to the scene. Mikey, my beautiful little brother. Body poistion was all that told me he wasn't going to forgive us easily. Leo's masked face was buried in Mikey's chest. I could see Mikey trying to struggle, Leo held his grip, he didn't want to loose him. We didn't want to loose him...

Mikey POV  
I needed air, Leo was trying to hold me down. I couldn't understand what when in their heads, they hated me picked on me for being different, but once they found out my hurting they wanted to help me. Anger was hard to keep down, why did I scream earlier? It was almost as I was shouting to the world that I wanted them to care, I did but not after they found out... The secrets were spilled, life is always different when you realise peoples lives. The hurt, they want to help, they never understand.

Eventually he stopped, like his arms were tired, so I took my chance I bolted. I had no sense of were to go, just to run. Tears blurred up my sight as I reached a ladder to a man hole, but I knew this city well no real difference was made.

The sound of random pings of kraang droids were heard in an alley next to me as I climbed to the roof for air to dry my tears. I relaxed my shoulders and stealthily climbed down on to a rubbish bin, hidden by two large boxes someone couldn't be bothered to put in the bin, lucky for me!  
"Kraang must do that which is called a test run." A blue kraang said, dragging out a silver cannon out from the white van, the large barrel part had several lit up purple buttons, controls. Two kraang guarded it was the general kraang gun. I scanned my situation for flaws, a place to attack. I craned my neck and lifted up my shoulders for a closer look. My snout it the box, accidentally moving the light cardboard. A slight movement, lightly heard but it was too loud. Immediately a kraang wearing a human disguise marched out from the front seat. One of its strong metal hands pulled me up from the shell, fingers roughly digging past my back as it took a holding on my amour.

I hit the cold ground, fingers slammed down. Pulled up. Two kraang grabbed my shoulders and held me infront of the cannon. The blue, obviously leading this experiment turned to the two holding me.  
"Kraang can now do the test run for kraang on that thing which kraang calls the turtles. Anger filled me, it referred to me as part of 'the turtles' like I was still part of the family of traitors. I went it struggle before I heard dings and the end of the cannon light up. Purple bright light, burning my eyes. My heart pounding became the majority of what I could hear. I was too scared to move, what was the point? Escape and go back to the lair, no other place to stay. I kept my ground as the powering became louder, my breathing deeper. My head jerked when I heard a rustling next to me. Just two pigeons, my shoulders went to relax before tensing up again.

"Hiiiiyyya!" Someone yelled in my ear, a long brown staff pushed the barrel away from me, it blasted a large hole in the building next to me. Rubble bashed down on the now six in total kraang.

"Aww, I was so pumped to bashing them down!" Raph complained.  
"What the shell were you thinking?" Leo growled, he grabbed my arm. I scowled, his eyes showed anger hurt and confusion.  
"What does it matter?" I shouted, my lip quivered again.  
"Mikey what is going on?" Donnie asked, I could tell by his body language he knew, but couldn't understand why.  
"You just don't get it?" I asked, flicking my eyes back and forth between my taller brothers.  
"What don't we get?" Raph asked, his voice softer than usual, a lie, trying to make me feel better just to get me back to old stronger self, just so he can pick on me again. I relaxed my shoulders muscles, my fingers fiddled with my mask end not.  
"Goodbye." I growled, finally pulling it off, slamming it at their feet. My sensitive fingers ran over my nun chucks. I could feel the place I had etched my name in kanji. The work of an idiot. I pulled back from chucking them down too, my shurikin down too, as much as they were a reminder of my old life, bad memories I needed them. I shook my head, turned away and left...

Donnie POV  
I couldn't believe what I just saw. My little brother, my best friend left me, left us.  
"Michelangelo!" I reached out my long skinny arm. "Mikey come back!" Sobs reached my throat. Why did he feel so distant from us? What did we do wro... I stopped my train of thought. Everything. In some ways I related to Mikey. Raph saw both of us as a punching bag, easy to pick on. But the thing about Mikey that made us different was we was optimistic, I was more of a realist. He enjoyed a laugh to play around with, he just wanted us to accept his happy little point of view on life... And we gave him nothing in return. My memory flashed to a time when we were about 11 I was upset about an invention breaking...

 _My head dropped as I looked at the robot, the memory chip had broken when a family of_ stray _sewer rats had slid across my work bench, knocking over my vial of water straight on to my small robot. Sparks flew off, I covered my face with my elbow. After 1 minute I warily I peeked up. The red and purple robot was dead, the open head that held the chip was open, allowing any liquid to fall. I cursed at my stupidity, I looked around for those rats, they slipped down the garage,I didn't bother chasing them._ There _was no point._  
 _"Hey dude!" Mikey walked casualy into the lab, a bowl of microwave ramen in his hands._  
 _"This isn't the time Mikey." I sighed, putting on my gloves that didn't allow electricity to effect me, so I would get electrocuted._  
 _"Why_ not _?" He frowned, twirling the noodles with his chopsticks._  
 _"Because I have to fix an invention." I explained impatiently._  
 _"Can I watch?" He asked, taking seat on my desk chair. I sighed and allowed him,_ there _no other damage he could do._

" _Hey_ _D_ _throw_ _some_ _MM's_ _at_ _me_!" _He_ _said_ , _pulling_ _out_ _a_ _small_ _pack_ of _the_ _chocolate_ _pallets_. _I_ _bit_ _down_ _my_ _lip_.  
" _Mikey_ , _remember_ _I'm_ _trying_ _to_ _work_?" _I_ _said_ , _knowing_ _of_ _my_ _brothers_ _short_ _attention_ _span_.  
" _But_ _why_ _would_ _you_ _wanna_ _work_ _when_ _you_ _can_ play? _Splinter's_ _gonna call us for training soon, then bed." He relaxed himself on my other bench, his shell slid off my text books. I rolled my hand into fist._  
 _"Michelangelo." I half growled._  
 _"Please Donnie, one last game?" He asked, he shoved his face into mine. Puppy eyes._  
 _"We could be pirates! Or... Ooo space cadets! Or hobbits with Bilbo!" He made positions on my table. "We'd have to do something about your height..." He frowned, he had recently watched the first Lord of the Rings on the TV. "You can go on your knees!" He suggested. I rolled my eyes, Mikey had the world's weirdest ideas._  
 _"Please!" He begged. He was on his hands and knees now._  
 _"You'll let me work after?" I asked. Mikey's face lit up, his freckles danced, yellowed teeth widely spread._  
 _"Promise!" He grinned, he took my hand._

My face fell I would take anything to see that smile again. I looked at my two older brothers, they understood. Leo was staring straight ahead and the spot Mikey had left us. Raph tried to hide his face, but I could tell by his eyes he was scared.

"What now Leo?" I asked. Leo took in a breath.  
"I really don't know, but all I have to think is we have to do anything to get Mikey back.." He said, lifting up his chin, but he was still shorter than me. I nodded, looking at Raph. He had put on his I'm going to look tough but I'm really scared look. It was time to fight, fight for our little brother no matter the cost...

 **Aww** **poor** **Mikey! Its** **okay** **I** **still** **love** **you! Will** **Mikey** **come** **back? Will** **he** **realise** **he** **brothers** **really** **love** **him!?**  
 **Read** **on!**  
 **Thanks** **to** **those** **you** **have** **read** **it! I** **know** **for** **you** **big** **writers** **with** **thousands** **of** **views** **and** **comments** **and** **stuff** **it's** **not** **much! But** **for** **me** **I** **get** **really** **excited** **when** **someone** **votes** **for** **a** **book** **or** **adds** **it** **to their** **reading** **list** **and** **stuff! So** **thanks!**  
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 **-Ninja** **out!**


	4. No more hope

**Annnd** **I** **updated! Look** **guys! I** **am** **so** **good! Updating** **within** **2 or** **so** **weeks... I** **have** **no** **idea** **how** **long** **it's** **been. Yep... Yeah** **I'm** **the** **worst** **updater** **ever** **so** **this** **is** **achievement! Updating** **really** **fast! I** **hope** **you** **like** **this** **chapter** **of** **tears** **and** **more** **tears... Haha! Just** **kidding! But** **it** **is** **really** **sad...**

Splinter's POV

The only sound I could hear was the slight rustle of the tree in my dojo as I relaxed on the floor, warm tea placed gently in my changed hands, fifteen years, almost sixteen and I still didn't know my own son's pain, it shocked me how hurt and rejected Michelangelo was feeling from our family. My time as a mutant rat had put a different perspective on how I saw things. There was things I hid from my sons, secrets I knew that they wouldn't understand, but knowing this I still hoped they would come to me sharing their secrets, I wanted for them to come to me if they felt hurt or something. I knew Leonardo came to me alot, but not the other three. Occasionally they did and I immediately used my knowledge to try and help them, but what would I do here? I knew Leonardo would immediately come to me... what would I say? My sight blurred over with a memory of one the earliest times Michelangelo was being picked on my sons.

 _"Haha! Mikey can't do the easiest of ninja skills!" the second youngest turtle scoffed, his already rough lightly scarred hands into the lime freckled shoulders. Michelangelo pouted._  
" _Well that's not my fault..." He tried, jaw trembled._ _I walked slowly into the scenario, observing where to go in. Leonardo and Donatello were on the ground Donatello was explaining the way the remote control worked. Leonardo was nodding. I put on my stern face._  
 _"Raphael." I said loudly. Raphael jumped._  
 _"Yes sensei?" He trembled._  
 _"Why were you picking on Michelangelo?" I asked calmly._ _Raphael frowned, as deciding what would be the best answer._  
 _"Well it was really easy and me and Leo got it on the first shot while Mikey couldn't do it at all." He explained._  
 _"Oh so that gives you the right to pick on him?" I raised my eye brow at the emerald eyed seven year old._  
 _"Well yes." He huffed, pulling his strong shoulders up._  
 _"So what about the time when Michelangelo beat you in the race? Does that mean he can brag about it?"_  
 _"Well I had a bad ankle!" Raphael tried to counter. "Remember sensei it had a bruise from sparing!"_  
 _"But he beat you? That was what your saying? He was better than you there for has the right to attack you about it." I could feel Michelangelo smiling at me. Raphael said nothing. I smiled and walked off._  
 _"Master Splinter!" Michelangelo called. I stopped my tracks._  
 _"Yes my son?" I asked gently_. _Michelangelo_ _grinned at me, his beautiful blue eyes glinted in the vented sunlight._  
 _"Thank you sensei!" He smiled, arms wrapped around me. I smiled and hugged him back._

Tears rolled down my face as I found myself back in the dojo. My son, my beautiful son... Broken unable to hold back the poison from his own family.

* * *

 _Several hours late_ r

Raph's POV

I smashed my fist on the training dummy, my breathing deep and loud. Hours must of passed, even Donnie seemed asleep at this late hour. We why weren't we out? Why weren't we looking for him? I'd always felt strongly protective of Mikey, despite my behavior towards him showed. Me and my temper, my temper had broken the happy turtle. I yelled out again, pulling out one of my sai and stabbing it into the dummy. Sand poured our. I didn't care as the sand covered my heels, or I'd probably woken everybody up. That it might result in Splinter giving me another lecture on controlling my temper. Or when the tears poured down my face. I wanted, I needed my little brother back. I tried to relaxed my shoulders, if they weren't going to do anything...  
"Huh Raph?" Donnie groaned from his lab. I have walked into my lab.  
"Go back to sleep." I half growled, but put the white blanket we'd left in his lab. I wasn't going to loose him too. Donnie smiled in his sleep, I nodded just because Leo was the leader, it didn't mean I couldn't act like an older brother too. I also undid his mask and left it next to him. Patience had never been my strongest ninja skill, especially if my little brother was in the danger of being dead.

It was around 3:30 autumn so moonlight was still dominate. I slipped into the place we fought the kraang several hours before. Signs of the kraang had gone, blood from the fight were on the floor. Dirt prints of our feet scattered the alleyway. I was crouched on the bin Mikey had hidden himself behind, I used my enhanced ninja sight to scan further on the concrete field. There was no signs of kraang following him. I hopped gently on the floor, still crouched, my hands scrapped against the floor. A foot that looked liked it was made with s metal foot. Different from the kraang. My stomach flipped as the fear creped in, there was only one guy I, we knew with metal feet other than the the kraang. Fish face.

His tracks followed Mikey's, I could tell from them he wasn't trying to be a ninja. Making him an easy target.  
Immediately I pulled out my T-phone.  
"Leo!" I practically screamed into the shell shaped device.  
"Huh, what Raph? Couldn't you come to my room?" He asked, his voice tired and annoyed.  
"Leo, listen." I growled.  
"What? Why?!" He demanded. "Can't this wait till the morning?" He tone shone with clear annoyance.  
"If you want Mikey to be captured by Shredder." I said dryly, even as I spoke the fear was growing stronger.  
"Where are you?" He said, he was now alert and awake.  
"At the scene where we fought the kraang." I explained impatiently.  
"Raph why aren't you in bed?" He growled, but I could tell he was freaking out.  
"Just listen... I think Fish Face followed Mikey..."

Leo's POV  
The words sunk in.  
"Raph, stay there I'm gonna get Donnie! Do not leave!"  
"What and let Mikey get captured!? No!"  
"No Raph!" I could hear wind the phone beeped. He'd hung up. I slammed a fist on my bed side table. I drew in a breath trying to calm myself. Alright Leo calm down he's going to be OK... He's a ninja... I tried to calm myself as I tied my mask and sheaths over my shell.

"Donnie." I whispered to my scrawny brother.

"Hmm." Donnie groaned he rubbed his head on the bench. I nudged his shell, gently shaking him.  
"Donnie... Raph went out, he thinks Shredder, well Fish Face has Mikey." Donnie slammed his head up, the blanket slid to the bottom of his chair.  
"What?!" His eyes filled with fear and confusion.  
"How?!" He demanded. I shrugged, so often I was used to this look. Answers.  
"We believes Fish Face followed has him." I said. Donnie grabbed his staff from leaning against a bench.  
"Umm Donnie you need this." I held up his mask. Donnie frowned.  
"I didn't..." He began, he smiled. "Looks like Raph can be soft sometimes. He pulled the blanket from his chair and folded it neatly on his shelf.  
"I'll tell sensei." I explained. My voice croaked, Donnie nodded. Wr couldn't meet eyes both too scared to look at each other, see the fear and how broken we were.  
"They'll be ok." I selfconsciously said, it was habit to try and support and bring up the hope on the purple mask turtle, but this was different. Both of us needed to help each other...

 **Yep! Cliff** **hanger! What** **is** **Raph** **thinking? Is** **Mikey** **OK?! Haha! Leaving** **my** **followers** **at** **questions** **is** **so** **much** **fun... I** **mean** **what? What** **you** **talking** **about** **you** **didn't** **just** **read** **that, no** **what** **gives** **you** **that** **idea... *awkward** **smile***  
 **Review/fav/follow! I** **hope** **you** **guys** **have** **a** **great** **day! Or** **what** **ever** **rest... Yep!**  
 **-Ninja** **out!**


	5. Mikey!

**Hey dudes! Sorry for the long wait! I hope you like this chapter! I did! Some of this will freak you out! I did for me, and I'm the author! XD**

Mikey's POV

Mikey couldn't stop panting, he threw himself against a wall, hand curling over a corner. The sun was starting to come out, indicating how long he'd been running.

"Almost there Xever, I can smell him." Mikey's blood ran cold. Rahzar! Mikey sunk down. Stay hidden.

"Yes, can't wait for turtle soup " Fish Face laughed. Mikey couldn't stop shaking, was be gonna die?! Mikey knelt down, hand gripped over his leather gripped nun chucks. He had to disappear... How? How could he fight against the nose of a dog?...

Leo's POV

"Come on!" Leo growled at Donnie. Donnie smiled.

"It'll be alright Leo." He tried, his voice layered with pain and worry. Leo smiled, understanding Donnie's urge to save the lime green turtle. Mikey was his little brother, his team member. Practically all sixteen years of there lives Leo felt more protective of Mikey than Raph and Don. He betrayed him. Mikey's eyes flashed in his face, scared, hurt.

"I'm sorry Mikey." The words passed his lips in a painful reminder. Mikey probably hated him now, and he deserved the hate...

"Weo!" Mikey laughed in his ears. "I found you!" Mikey wrapped his arms around him.

"Yeah... You win." He smiled, putting up arms. Mikey grinned.

"See, I'm better than you at hide and seek! I'm gonna be a way better ninja than you are."

"Yeah right!" Raph growled, coming into the sewer tunnel.

"Yeah! I'm faster than Donnie and Leo! Better and sneaking around then all of you! Aaand can throw water balloons further and with the best aim!"

"So? That means nothing." Raph smirked.

"It sort of does Raph." Donnie muttered.

"Exactly," Mikey laughed. "First one home hatcher from a rotten egg!"

"So Lame-o-nardo's gonna loose?" Raph laughed. Leo's laugh turned into a frown. Lame?

"It doesn't matter bro' your the best brother!" Mikey patted in shoulder. His blue eyes met his, pain... Understanding.

"You guys coming?" Donnie shouted. "Raph's gonna win!" His voice echoed through the sewers. Leo smiled.

"Last one there?" He repeated...

That night.

Leo couldn't sleep... Was he lame? Wasn't he the best older brother he could be?

"Leo?" Mikey whispered out side is door. Leo pushed in his jaw, force a smile.

"Yeah Mikey?" He asked casually.

"Can..." Mikey's voice asked shakingly "can I come in?" Leo nodded.

"'Course."

Mikey stumbled in, flopping himself on his bed.

"Leo... What's wrong with us?" Mikey sobbed. Leo opened his mouth, his instincts told him to calmly sooth Mikey, but Mikey wasn't talking about himself... Not this time...

"Raph..." Leo didn't know what to say. Leo looked at the youngest turtle, his bright baby blue eyes reaching for comfort. Leo let out a sigh.

"I have no idea Mike. We didn't do any thing, just lived."

"So Raph picks on us for that?!" Anger entered the freckled nine year old voice now. Leo shook his head, tears were edging out his eyes now.

His throat struggled to breath as the lump clogged it.

"There's nothing we can do Mikey, Raph's not going to stop." Arms reached around his waist. Mikey collapsed himself inside them... This was his life...

"Leo! Donnie!" Raph hissed at them. Leo, pulled up his bowed head, they were crawling through Shredder's pipping, Donnie occasionally stopping to survey and make comments on the wiring or something, Leo would generally stop him urge him to keep going, but at the same time he knew Don needed this. Something to relax him, calm down his stress levels.

"What you got?" Donnie asked curiously.

"I know where they're heading..." Raph said.

"Where?" Leo shouted a little too loudly, Leo bit back a lip at his stupidity. You're ninja Leo, quiet, that was the kind of thing Mikey would do...

"They're leading him to the dump, some new machine they want to test is there." Raph explained. Leo couldn't stop shaking, he might loose his little brother. Leo couldn't do that, he wouldn't let himself.

Mikey's POV

Mikey laid in the dirt, trying to keep in his breath.

"He's close." Rahzar's rusty voice whispered. Mikey bit down his lip, no noise. He gripped the pole, to stop himself shaking. The smell of the dump close.

"I'm so hungry." Fish Face groaned.

"Patience Xever." Rahzar growled, Mikey kept his eye on the pair, Rahzar was hunched low, nose in the air.

"Very close" Rahzar muttered, he moved his hands around his hiding place. Metal clanged. Tears were filling his eyes. This was over...

Mikey could almost feel the fur brush his foot.

"Here!" Rahzar shouted, Mikey flung himself up, sprinting forward.

"Come back you!" Fish Face shouted, following him. Mikey bowed his head, the dump. So many places to hide, they would never find him there. He would be safe, nothing to hurt him there...

His chest, needed rest. Lungs tugging at his rib cage, hurting more than usual because they never fully healed from his last battle with Shredder. Legs ready to give way. Keep running. Mikey urged himself.

"Throw it!" Rahzar demanded.

Gas filled Mikey's lungs, his body started to feel light, legs running on air. Black dots danced... Sight darkened. In the back ground he could hear his name, the little bit of sight could see a large gun... What was its purpose? His brain struggled to form the words called to him...

Rough hands reached his shoulders as he fell, they didn't feel like his brothers arms. These seemed to be keeping him straight... Like some object they needed to keep in place. He couldn't struggle, but he needed to run. Instinct told him to get away, force stopped him. Everything stopped. For a second, he saw nothing. Light, white light... Was he dead?

Pain shot through his chest as he fell forward.

"Mikey!" The sobbed screams came through. "Michelangelo!"

That was the end... Nothing else...

 **Hehe! Cliff hanger! Sorry guys! This story is still going! So for you screaming for an update, sorry! I will do one!... How about next year? Yeah that sounds good? Good... Enjoy your wait.**

 **Just kidding! I'll update in a month...**

 **Oh shell, justrealised wrong POV! Sorry! I usually do 3rd, so I did that! I'll go back to 1st next chapter, and fix up this one some time later! Sorry! Buy I'm only human, and do make mistakes! So yep!**

 **And once again, no space! Sorry dudes! Thing stuffed up, maybe cause I'm using my phone not computer!**

 **Vote/comment/fav**

 **-Ninja out**


	6. Lost memories

**So an update! XD yep, i don't really know what to say except I hope you like this chapter!**

... POV

Nothing.

"Mikey?!" A blue masked turtle shouted my face smashed into my vision. I backed off.

"Who?..." I stumbled back. "Who are you?" I looked around at the three other turtles.

"Mikey, its us..." A red masked shortish turtle said, his skin was darker green then his similar friends.

"Oh... Shell, that's what that ball thing did." Purple muttered.

"What?!" Blue demanded.

"It took away his memory." Purple tapped my head, which was ringing.

"Well how do we get it back?!" Red asked impatiently. Tall purple shook his head, his brown eyes shone with fear, sadness.

"So what do we do?" Blue asked.

"Protect him from Shredder, there is a reason Rahzar and Fish Face took his memory, I don't like the ideas that I have on why..."

Impatientness grew inside, what were they talking about? Shredder, Rahzar? What kind of name is Fish Face? Seriously who calls a guy that?

"What's going on?!" I asked loudly. Blue jerked his head at me.

"Mikey its us! Please remember." Blue begged. I shook my head. He turned to Red.

"Get sensei." He said firmly, it a leader kind of voice.

"You get him." He asked stubbornly.

"Raph just do it." Purple sighed, he walked to a red roller cabinet and pulled something from the middle. On the top, written in large black letters wrote. Mikey do you NOT touch, but that's the name they called me, Mikey.

"Michelangelo?" A strong Japanese accent asked from the door way, I jerked my head. That name. I couldn't understand why, but I felt like I knew that name, too well...

"What's wrong?" He looked at Blue.

"Sensei, Mikey's lost his memory... I don't know how, but the grenade Rahzar threw at him..." He trailed off.

"Donatello?" 'Sensei' looked at purple. He shook his head.

"I... I don't know Master Splinter." Donatello shook his head. Master Splinter nodded.

"That's alright my sons. Keep your watch on Michelangelo, in case the chemicals do any mind control effects."

"Hai." The three mutants bowed at the rat. Why?! What was so important about him? Master s

Splinter looked straight at me.

"Its alright my son." He said quietly, "you'll be OK." He tone sounded like he was trying to comfort himself, he hugged me, instinct told me to follow it, but I didn't know him! But I did... My mind was spinning, what was going on?! My arms gripped around his waist, I trusted him... I didn't know why, but I felt so safe around him, nothing could hurt me while he was around... Crying? Why was I crying?! My throat wanted to say sorry... Why?

Leo's POV

I said nothing, my little brother. He didn't know he was, and this was all my fault... I failed. I was a horrible leader, the worst big brother... His sobs echoed in my head, Splinter was whispering light words to Mikey. Donnie gripped my hand.

"Come here." He whispered, I looked at Raph, who nodded at me.

Donnie wiped tears as he stumbled into his lab.

"Yeah?" Raph said on a bench, we set both eyed Donnie. I understood Donnie's poistion, both of us we're looked up for answers. I put an arm around him, giving a supporting smile.

"We'll work something out." I promised, Donnie looked at me, eyes sending a thanks. I nodded.

"Right." I put on my strongest leader voice. Raph as usual was trying to hide his emotion. I couldn't hold it, my jaw was the first to fall, breathing deepened, I needed Mikey back. He was the glue, keeping us happy, I wanted to hear his voice. Not scared, not angry, disgusted. I longed for happy, ready to jump into anything. His smile, so bright. I'd underestimated the smile Mikey held so proudly. Now it was gone... He had no memory on who he was. The life he once had was gone, and it was all my fault. How could I make it up to him? I couldn't. He was gone...

Raph's POV

I stared at the blank TV, it was around midnight and I was taking the night watch on Mikey. The lime turtle curled on the blue couch. Thrashing, sweat covered his forehead. I bit in my lip, I was generally really bad at calming people down. My muscles ached, I needed to sleep. I forced myself next to Mikey's bed.

"H... Hey little brother." I choked back my sob. Mikey groaned in his sleep.

"Please come back Mikey! I'm sorry..." My fist was curling around Mikey's weak hand.

Mikey's eyes opened, I quickly shot them away.

"Your one of them?" He said slowly, I nodded. The sob still in my voice. His hands gently grabbed my chin, leading it to him. Blue eyes masked with confusion. Pleading to grip what was happening.

"Mikey, I know you don't remember... But I'm sorry! I'm so sorry." My toughness was all gone, the whole thing was an act. Something I couldn't hold, not anymore...

"Why?" He blurted out. I couldn't look at him, I hated people to see me crying. To me it weakness. But I was strong. I buried my face into his chest. Hands gripping to his shoulders. Mikey was remaining still.

"I... I should've gotten there quicker..." I couldn't stop shaking.

"It's alright." He soothed. Hands wrapped around me, it felt like a Mikey, but it wasn't. I didn't try to struggle...

 **Ahh Mikey! No! Hehe you enjoying this story? I'm defiantly enjoying writing! Leaving you at intense cliff hangers! No spaces! Sorry!**

 **Fav/review/fav**

 **-Ninja out**


	7. The plan

**So an update! its been couple of weeks right? IDK feels like a while... but this is me... so hehe! this ones kinda adorable!... hehe Megamind... sorry families watching that in the other room! im too anti-social for that!... so the name sucked, im terrible at chapter headings... well you guys know that!**

Mikey's POV

That name, so often said, it made no sense. The tall rats eyes were often falling on me. I frowned, the way they all treated me... it hurt, so soft? Why it sounded like they were trying to make me happy? Tears, I saw them so often. Why?!

"So you got anything?" Blue masked, Leonardo looked at the girl wearing Yellow. April I vaguely remembered her taking to that name.

"I'm sorry Leo, his minds all blank, no Shredder... just nothing." Her voice sounded like she wanted more, Leo ran his tongue over his lips.

"You tried April." His hand was shaking as he put it on her shoulder. I pulled my head back, knowing all eyes would turn to me.

"Mikey." I said nothing, Mikey was someone different to who I felt. Michelangelo was part of something, he belonged. I... I didn't. I turned my head.

"Don't call me that." I begged, I felt like theft, a liar taking over someones body claiming they were them. But I wasn't...

"Mikey, why not?" That was Raph's voice, fear was entering it.

"That's not me. I'm not him." My voice choked, I tried to run, hands grabbed my shoulders.

"Mikey please." Raph said softly.

"I said don't call me that!" I growled, I had to act differently, not like this Michelangelo...

"Mikey," Leo snapped, he pulled my head to his three brothers and friend. "Listen to me," He ordered. "I don't care what you think." His lip was quivering, trying not to cry. No stop! What was this feeling? This wasn't me, my knees were buckling. Why? My body was failing to hold its self. I felt arms grab me.

"It's alright Mikey, we're here for you. No matter what." Was whispered in my ear. I nodded into the plastron. Tears.

"Tell me its going to be ok?" I sobbed.

"I cannot promise anything my son," The rat said quietly. "But you must stay with us and we will not leave your side." I belonged here. I closed my eyes, yes...

Raph's POV

"Right we need answers." Leo said loudly next to me, Donnie was next to me, April by his side.

"I think..." Donnie began.

"Yeah that's gonna help." I couldn't help mutter, I wasn't my fault, my and my temper, Splinter often scolded me about controlling it, but to me it was defensive. No one knows, no one thinks your weak. There were days it hurt, I struggled to put on the mask, but I had to. Leo's eyes met mine, he knew. One of the reasons being so close was annoying was because hiding emotions was kinda hard. Mikey did it, the voice in the back of my mind whispered.

"Shut up." I growled as the painful memories came back.

"Sorry." Donnie muttered, guilt fell over me, I frowned, this wasn't his fault, we needed each other. This was something that wasn't we could just sleep on it, or just rely on Leo to work out.

"No, I'm sorry." I bowed my head. Leo's eyes met mine. "

"It'll be ok." He tried, I shook my head we all knew it wasn't going to be, not for a long time...

"Mazzter Shredder, we have not been able to relocated Michelangelo, the turlezz must have him." Stockman fly flew around the Shredder. I heard Donnie curse next to me. I turned my head to see Leo paling. I closed my eyes, this was getting worse the more they found out about it.

"I need more Stockman information, you promised me this would work! " Shredder growled, the mutant fly bowed.

"It will Mazter." He stumbled over his name.

"Your head is on the line." His cloak swept the floor and he left. My body regained its self, I quickly realized how much i'd been shaking. April put her arm around me.

"You guys need to go." April said quietly.

"Yes, yes we do," Leo stood up. I followed. I noticed Donnie couldn't take his eyes off the mutant fly, tears were lightly sprinkled over his soft brown eyes. I clenched in my jaw, my throat digging for comfort.

"It'll be alright, we'll work something out... we always do..." Stupid, stupid stupid! Donnie gave a low nod.

"Hopefully." His voice broken and struggling to work out his mouth.

"So, this was all part of Shred-head's plan." I growled, the hatred spilling out. I crossed my arms. Setting my eyes on the floor, Leo nodded, I could see April doing nothing, she understood we needed space.

"I... I gotta go, Casey will be waiting..." I could hear the obvious lie in her voice, she was trying to help... How long will this take? We always knew life was never going to be normal. Mutant turtles never deserved an easy life. We were freaks, never meant to be... But did we deserve this? Our own brother, our baby. One of my best friends.

"Bye." Leo croaked, the sound of her leaving was the last sound I heard till the memory washed over.

 _"Waph!" Mikey shouted in my ear. I closed my eyes, why? I waved my hand in his direction. The sound when skin was hit was amazing. I allowed a small smile._

 _"Raphael." Splinter scolded from across the waterway. I bowed my head._

 _"Sorry sensei." I muttered._

 _"It's not me you should 'say sorry" to." Splinter glared at me. I nodded._

 _"Right. I'm sorry Mikey." I said loudly. Mikey said nothing, his eyes seemed to be sending a message to me. Sad broken, defensive suddenly rolled over. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER? I narrowed my eyes, preparing to attack anyone or thing that had put Mikey in this position. I grabbed his arm pulling him into the hallway._

 _"What's wrong?" I demanded in a low voice. Mikey pulled in his chest, the red mark across his check made me feel guilty._

 _"I... uh," Mikey dipped his head, Mikey's shoulders were low, sad. "I wanted to know if you'd go exploring with me... in the sewers? Sensei says we can't go alone and..." I smiled._

 _"Course I will little brother?" I put a friendly arm around him, the lack of excitement in the lair was building anger up in my chest. Mikey grinned, freckles lightly sparkling in the dim lights that Donnie and Splinter set up._

 _"LAST ONE IN THE TUNNELS HATCHED FROM A ROTTEN EGG!" Mikey shouted, running forward. I grinned._

 _"Then I'm gonna win!" Our laughter echoed in the stone walls._

How simple life was back then, no troubles, no fear of people trying to kill us. Just us five, four brothers and their master. I buried my head into my knee pads, don't cry. Why was I crying? I felt weak, my whole life I failed to notice my little brothers pain, now it was gone. Now everything was gone. And it was all my fault...

 **Aww little Raphie... no bad me, dont call him that!...**

 **why not?**

 **causes its not you... and people are reading this...**

 **tch, they already know im insane and have a twisted soul... so its alright**

 ***face palms* true**

 **hehe! i love being insane! MIKEY! we still love you! and you are you! it might be alright... maybe, sorry my baby i cant give spoilers... i want you! no... bad girl!**

 ***wimper***

 **im not taking that, just finish this**

 **see thats why myself is annoying! not letting myself give spoilers when the readers have read important parts in the book! so mean! *gives death glare to self***

 **HAHA! XD**

 **fav/review/fav**

 **-Ninja out**


	8. An accident'

**Kinda** **short chapter here...but gonna warn you! Death involved! Yeah...uh i dont want to spoil but... just read... some feels... just be scared!**

Donnie's POV

I closed my eyes, Stickman, he was all his fault. I tapped my fingers impatiently across my bench.  
"Donnie?" Leo asked quietly. I lifted my head, forcing a light smile.  
"Yeah?" Leo scanned my expression, keep it in. He understands though... I drew in a breath.

"I'm fine." I lied, Leo smiled, his arms wrapped around me.

"Just a little longer Donnie I know we'll make it through," Leo held me tighter, we were all trying to support ourselves. Holding on to yourselves to help each other. Leo let go, lightly patting my shoulder. "Get some rest, we all need it." The twinkle in his eye could not be mistaken for the lighting. Tears, so many dropped.

No turtle left behind, all turtles left behind. I paced slowly around my room, my tools and gadgets littered on the floor. Stinkman, why was he so evil? I had a vivid memory of when we first met him. A lone genius, least I had my family. Got caught up with the wrong crowd. Now he's a monster, what he did to my little brother! To my best friend. I couldn't passed it up. Just forget about it, he had to pay.

"I'm going out!" I shouted, sheathing my staff.

"Where?" Raph demanded.

"To that military junkyard, gotta pick up some chemicals." The lie sunk so easily through, my teeth. Leo's eyes met mine.

"Do you need help?" He wanted to watch me, I could tell through the fear of his tone. I shook my head lightly.

"Be back soon." I forced a light smile and left.

Shredder's lair, even at this distance I cringed. My hand instinctively reached for my staff, shoulders relaxing as the wood was tightly pulling in my muscles. My planned seemed so simple. Sneak in, find Stockman...MAKE HIM PAY! Splinter's lectures were always so clear. The b way of the ninja was never done to help once self for their own uses but as one. A clan. Ninjutsu wasn't despite popular belief revolved around sneaking. But I had to. Even the wise rat would agree someone had to pay...didn't they? No... I shook my head again. I couldn't take the burning feeling off my chest. Just go... so I did.

Stinkman was leaning over his lab, small mutters were heard. I closed my eyes, did I sound like that? My T-phone buzzed, Leo no doubt. Sorry Leo I love you but... I clicked the close call button.

"Turtlezz?" Stinkman flew up a couple of metres. I pulled my face into a tight scowl.

"Just one tonight Dexter!" I growled. I reached into my bag and leaped up to him. My hand had his throat, his struggles felt good, my heart was telling me thie was wrong. Something was urging me on. He was vibrating loudly against my skin. Hands digging in closer,

"Plezzzz" He begged, my jaw was pulled in tightly. My tensed muscles took over, I didn't relise till the mutants body fell limp between my fingers.

"Donnie?" Leo shouted, the horror strong in his voice. reality snapped into to focus. I stumbled back. _Oh... oh no..._ I looked up to see the figures of my brothers. I killed someone! My entire body was shaking. I'd lived through the code, everyone 'evil' had good inside...but never really come to focus that every good had evil inside...

"Donatello?" Raph's rough hands grabbed me. I was greatful that he was able to help me stablise my self, I leaned heavily on the green eyed turtle. "Let's get you home." He whispered, I noticed both eyes couldn't leave my murder... what I'd done..,

"Sensei?" Leo's arm was held around me. Master Splinter's eyes flared open. I struggled not to jump.

"My sons?" His voice was soft, like he was ready to jump in and support us.

"Donnie...,"Leo pulled in a sad breath. "Donnie has something to say..." Leo looked at me, Splinter looked at me.

"Yes?"

"I didn't mean to!" I blurted out. "It was an accident! Yeah I wanted to punish him but I didn't think I'd be capable of murder!" Splinter's eyes were wider than I've ever seen them before.

"Explain?" He demanded. I drew in a breath. Slowly. In...out... calm the mind. My muscles relaxed.

"I... I went to Shredder's lair... and... I wanted Stockman to pay... for what he did to Mikey..I don't know what I did...but next thing I remember is... he was dead."

"I see, " Splinter closed his eyes. "Vengeance is a dangerous weapon to let go of."

"Hai." Fear meant I was too scared to meet his eyes.

"What's done done."

"You guys really care about me don't you?" Mikey whispered next to me. I jumped. "I mean you killes for me?" No answer, nothing.

"Yes," For the firsr time Raph found the answer. "That's why no matter what I promise we'll bring you home Michelangelo." Raph pushed us all into a hug. I tried to struggle, I wanted to talk to sensei more... I wanted... I needed...

 **Yay!**! **Stinkmans gone! Ahh donnie you killed some one!aww sceme at end was cute! Yep... but freaking heck donatello! Id think raph would be the first killer! I love my dark twisted soul anyway! Good night! Well were im writing this in Australia its night... so...**

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 **-Ninja out**


	9. Takeshi

**Oh man this chapter is intense... just ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't want to spoil oh and an authors note! cause I obviously started to write this back when they were in space so i didn't know of shredders mutation, so in this book Shredders still human! yeah so you guys know that! cause yep... words! i hope you like this chapter ahhhhhhhhh**

Mikey's POV

I ran across the roof top, my brothers believe coming with them for training might help jog my memory. These streets, I saw no meaning. Raph had a hand on me. He was on one side of me, Leo the other.

"In time little brother." Raph promised, I shrugged.

"I... don't know." I admitted, Leo was trying not to look at me. I think they wanted me to suddenly just click, all memories rushing back, but nothing was coming.

"GUYS!" Donnie sped up next to us, he was on look out for actual threats. "Purple dragons." He explained, Leo nodded and drew a sword.

"Donnie help Mikey find a place to hide, this'll be easy!" He grinned, the spark in Raph's eye ran chills down my back.

"Come on." Donnie whispered, lightly pushing my back forward. I nodded.

"Stay here no matter what!" He glared at me, I nodded sinking into the darkness. The way they fought, It was like ninjitsu was part of them. Every strike was so natural. Some on wrapped a paw around my mouth. I opened my mouth to scream. Nothing. A sharp pain in my shoulder.

"Shut up or we'll attract the others." A Mexican accented voice whispered to my attacker. I immediately started to feel tired, my body was rocking. Sight blacking over... I couldn't feel... couldn't keep awake... couldn't...

"Takeshi, my son." A cold voice woke me, I felt around trying to get my baring. I opened my eyes. I saw red shoes, I forced my eyes fully open and looked up. An armored man. I blinked. Where were my brothers?! "Takeshi, I have been worried, you have been gone for more than a month." His tone was soft.

* * *

"My... name is Mikey, Michelangelo," I explained, raising myself to me feet. "My family said so." I tried to use a polite tone, this man was obviously confused. I noticed I was in some form of a main hall. At the bottom of stair, a long room, blue light the room. Glass covered water. The amn gave a long hollow laugh.

"Your family!" He mocked the words, his tone changed to a deep almost scary voice. "I am your family, you lost your memory in an accident Takeshi, if Rahzar and Fish Face did not find you..."

"I was fine!" I protested, none of this made sense, the rat. Master Splinter said he was my father... the turtles...

"No." He growled. I pulled my neck back, what did he know? "You were lost, they lied to you." He explained.

"How do you know that?! the turtles and Splinter!" I shouted. Anger sparked in his eyes.

"No! they lied!" He repeated, he bent down his chest so his eyes were level with mine. "Do you know why people lie Takeshi? Because they want something, they were jealous of what they could not have. Why do you think Donatello killed Stockman? Stockman was trying to get you back they hoped I would not be able to get you back." I stepped back, they were lying?! "My name is Oroku Saki, the Shredder but you will call me father." The truth was too painful to take. Donnie murdered my fathers friend. He just wanted to help me. I stepped a foot back to support myself. "Would you be able to take me back to their hide out?" Shredder asked, I nodded. Was this man really father? The words he used... He didn't seem dangerous, sure he had spikes on him but he could be just for defensive right? The mutant tiger next to me smiled.

* * *

"Lead the way Takeshi." He purred, I didn't know what was going to happen to the turtles. Hopefully Shredder would just explain I was ok, not too much damage would be done...

The sewers were hard to navigate at first, but I remembered the land marks Donnie helped me locate on the way out.

"Hey dudes!" I shouted walking into the lair. Horror, that was the face I got.

"You brought him here!? TRAITOR!" Raph growled, he jumped at me. Tiger ran defensively in front of me.

"Back of turtle! Takeshi is ours." He growled. Everyone was too scared to react.

"TAKESHI?" Splinter growled. "Saki let my son go!"

"He's mine." Two blades came out of Shredders gauntlets. "Be ready to pay, for everything." I thought he meant Stockmans death, but that was till he killed Master Splinter. Leo jumped forward at Shredder.

"Sensei!" Tears sprung to his eyes. He tackled Shredder.

"You murderer!" I was too shocked to do anything. I just stood there, Splinter, he cared for me. Did everything to keep me ok. Raph jumped at me.

"You traitor! You told Shredder where we are!" He pulled his sai out. Blood was pumping. Raph was crying, he was so strong and I was the reason.

"I'm sorry... I didn't know!" I shouted, my heart was slamming on my chest. Raph had pinned me down. Death glare. Tears was rolling down my cheeks. "I didn't..." My words were hard to form. I looked at Leo, he trying to attack Shredder. Donnie, was holding Splinters blood soaked body.

"This isn't happening." He was screaming out. Raph stabbed my arm. I wanted to yell out, but I has no reason to. This was my fault. Why couldn't I see what he was going to do?! Tiger tried to pull Raph off me. Raph took another stab at my arm.

"How could you?!" He sobbed. "We trusted you?!" Leo was stabbed, not so deep as Splinter's, but deep. WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?! I pulled myself to my feet, my arm felt like it was ready to come off.

"STOP!" I shouted, but I felt like I had no right to. I felt like a murderer. Shredder just used me to get to Splinter. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, my body couldn't stop shaking. I grabbed a knife from the floor, that fell from Raph's ninja belt. I held it to my arm.

"I don't know what's going on, whose my father but please stop... I just want everything to be ok... I just want." My tongue was heavy. My grip was sweaty on the knife. This price was too small to pay. I screamed out, taking the last bit of my arm. The scream wasn't from the pain. From the frustration of myself. I'd betrayed my friends. Maybe they weren't my family, I had no idea. I wasn't Michelangelo, the ones they talked about with a soft heart. Love of food. I had a dark soul. I was evil. Takeshi. The liar, killing.

"Just leave." Leo growled, he was struggling to stay awake. Gripping his wound. His head nodded like it was too heavy. Shredder nodded.

"Your dead anyway," He smirked. "Tiger Claw Takeshi." He started to walk off.

"No." I said slowly. Shredder turned around.

"You define me!" He growled, started to charge at me.

"MASTER! Come," Tiger Claw growled. "Leave the boy, Splinter is dead you have no use for him anymore." Like salt rubbed in wounds, he lied to me. He just wanted to murder Splinter. I watched the pair leave. I drew in a breath.

"I know these words have no point to you... but I'm sorry." No eye contact.

"Were are you going to now?" Donnie asked. I lifted my head.

"No where." I shrugged. I started to walk away.

"GOOD! I HOPE YOU DIE SOME WHERE!" Raph growled, Leo must have passed out because he didn't say anything. I nodded.

"That's the point." I muttered, leaving the sewers.

 **TAKESHI! yep Mikey's dead Takeshi is born! *sobs in corner* my baby... so cute now theres a monster ahhh Splinter! i actually wanted to cry when i was writing this... *sobs again* poor leo, not gonna say what happens with him! i really wanna leave at like a long cliff hanger... *evil smile* nope nope too many feels im not that cruel... oh wait i am... *grins* I'll update when i wanna! still got a bunch of other books to write up!**

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	10. The monster he became

**FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS**

 **Yep, thats how you explain this chapter! Also really deep...**

Takeshi's POV

I trudged down the alleyway. They'd come, I knew they were would be close. Time had passed slowly since that night. Light memories of Michelangelo's life had come, mainly through déjà vu. I was Tekashi, I wasn't him. I had my own memories, I'd some times find some other mutants and just get a glare of disgust. I always shook it off. I now wore a black cloak, adittional with a hood. A black vest over my plastron, and a black glove.

"Alright we got your note." Raph's voice growled next to me.

"You came?" I allowed a smile to flicker on my lips. Leo walked towards me.

"What do you want..." He paused, as decided what to call me. I put my arm out.

"Takashi." I offered. The glare on Donnie's face was obvious. He wanted Mikey back. The guilt was building up in my gutt. I lowered my eyes to the ground, don't let it take you. I clenched my fist as the tears started to fall. I was a child. I wanted comfort, no one would reach for me.

"Takashi?" Leo interrupted. I lifted my head. Could I tell them the truth? Could I trust them? They probably hated me... what I did... Who I killed.

"I need help." I begged, trying to reach their eyes. Raph frowned.

"Two years and your come now?" He frowned, a growl reaching up his throat. I took that in, two years. I closed my eyes.

"Please." I fell to my knees, pushing my hand into the concrete. Leo frowned.

"What do you really want?" He gently put a blade to my throat. I clenched my fist, trying to keep my other side stable. I shook my head.

"Fine." I stood up, shaking my shoulders off, what did they know? Did they suffer the way I did? They had each other... me? I had no one... alone. It was the fate I accepted... but never wanted. I wanted to live, the breath in the air of freedom. Instead I was pushed in the mud, screaming rejecting. I was a mistake. I shouldn't of lived. Mikey... I shrugged the memory if this conversation off my shoulders. I took a final look at the turtles. Pity? Disgust? Taped across their faces were more emotions then I could pull in.

Leo's POV

I sat under the tree, Splinter's old spot. Shredder. This was all his fault. Raph tried to blame Takashi, but in the end it wasn't his fault. He was the voice of a memory of who Mikey was. The look he gave us, he wanted to understand. I shook my head. Stay alive, that was what Splinter would want. The day Splinter and Mikey died was embedded into my mind.

* * *

~The next day after...~

 _I woke up panting, Donnie put an arm on my shoulder._

 _"Wait, Leo." He shot at me. I relaxed myself back on the cot. My wound was screaming... that meant... I closed my eyes. The tears were not shame. Donnie rubbed my neck._

 _"Where's his body?" I asked, once he helped me sit up. Donnie waved a fearful arm towards a white blanket. I nodded my head._ It was not a lie that I'd become more harder. Pushing my limits, rougher on my family. I tried to help it, but I couldn't. Splinter was dead, someone needed to guide the Hamato clan.

 _"It's that persons fault." Raph growled. I shook my head."_

 _"He's just..." The words wouldn't come. What was he? Who was he? He wasn't Mikey... I closed my eyes. Thoughts weren't forming place. Hands couldn't find a place to stay. The truth was sinking in. We were alone. I was alone... I was so alone._

* * *

 _I was crying..._

 _"Fearless?" Raph growled, I opened my eyes, focusing them straight at the red masked turtle._

 _"What?" Raph sat next to me, taking my hand._

 _"It's gonna be ok." He had an arm around my neck, hugging me tightly. I nodded, but I didn't. Nothing wasn't going to be ok... Not anymore. Several months ago... I believed life was hard. Life couldn't get worse. We had each other. Once we together... everything would be ok. That's how we lived. You hold on to each other. Now we were pulling apart. Go back to start... go back to the moment you realise its all your fault, all because you were a horrible leader. Because you played with fire, seeing how far you can push your family. Raph was rocking me softly, my sobs weren't stopping._ That night destroyed me. I pulled myself apart after that. I wanted Splinter back... I couldn't get him back. I became fearless. I became strong. I became... I died.

* * *

Raph's POV

~2 months after~

 _Leo... suddenly all my worry was shot towards him. I was known for over training myself... but Leo. It was like he was trying to please some one. Like he was trying to be someone he wasn't. I gripped the side of the dojo door. Leo was gripping his swords tightly. The pant was drawing deeply in his chest. Leo looked at me. Fear, the monster Leo'd become. I bit my lip in._

 _"Leonardo!" I jumped at him, Leo dodged, grabbing my arm and flipping me to ground. I groaned. Leo was glaring at me._

 _"RAPHAEL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He growled. I shook my head. This wasn't right. My temper wasn't something I held with pride, but it was who I was. Not Leo. Leo was like a hero. A warrior. Now he was a shadow. He wanted life to be ok... He wanted Splinter to be alive. I smiled._

 _"Leo!" I touched his plastron. "It's me... see?" I said softy. Leo closed his eyes, the way he moved was like he was in a war. Within himself. He shook his head._

 _"SHUT UP!" He yelled out, punching my chest. I rolled over._

 _"Leo! This isn't you!" I flipped behind him._

 _"Raph...please."He begged, knees buckling. I grabbed him._

 _"I'm here bro..." I promised, rubbing his shell softly. I was always here._ That's how I became someone else. We all changed that night. Leo stepped up to lead our clan, I became the older brother... Donnie getting him out of his lab was impossible. He re-built Metal Head. It scary if you didn't hear him talking to the robot. This was our life. The two people that kept our sanity straight were gone... all gone

 **Leo! My baby! aww raphie! Takashi you'll understand who you are... hopefully! i'll decide your fate... haha lol I already know whats gonna happen with you!... but apparently my mind says im not allowed to spoil... meanie conscious XD ^^**

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	11. Lost souls

Another dark depressing chapter that i wanna cry while writing! sorry its short... but mum gonna kill me if i stay on any longer! ahhhh

Mikey's POV

It was dark. Looking through Takashi's mind. In some ways he understood me. I wanted to shout out, but at the same time I had to point to. I couldn't form a proper thought. I was here, but I wasn't. When he told the Shredder of the lair's location... I was angry... then I realised. Takashi was a lost soul. He wanted to breath. To feel the sun, that I-Michelangelo-danced in. I frowned as he struggled, to live.

(Takashi!) I shouted out. Takashi straightened his back looking around. I smiled. (Dude up here,) I laughed. Takashi looked up, pulling his hood down. (Yeah try again.)

"Your in my head?" He frowned.

(Well I could've done better, but you know) I shrugged. The realisation hit him. I smiled as he stumbled back.

"You want your body back." Takashi clenched his fist. I don't really know it worked, but I could feel every movement he made. I was him, but I was gone. I laughed out.

(No.) The words were too light. Takashi scrunched his face up.

"Then..." His tongue stuck a little out his mouth. I had gotten to know him. This look, the one he used to try and grip reality. It killed me, honestly I wanted to crawl out of his head and slap everyone I knew, because everyone I knew hated the child. Second chances was something my family were strong believers in. So couldn't Takashi get his? "What do you want?"

(I want to help... I want... you to live...) I smiled. Takashi frowned. I felt his anger, confusion.

"No one wants me to live... I'm a monster" I frowned.

(To who? The... only one who says that is you...) I said slowly. Takashi shook his head.

"Why does everyone keep pretending!" Takashi yelled out, "For all I know your just a just a voice in my head!" He collapsed on the ledge. The tears were rolling down. Fear. I understood the feeling of rejection. The one thing about me is I was the king of dealing with it.

(That's all I am, but I care for you, I care for my brothers.) I whispered, pain was digging deeper in my skin. Memories rising up. Crying was something I needed. I needed my family, the wrap there arms around him. Promising everything to be ok. Sometimes lies were the most soothing thing we needed to hear. Your heart is screaming not to trust it, but your head is relaxing falling into it. Maybe that was just the person I was. A life of lies, not being able to hold the truth in my palm. Gas, over clouding my head, allowing me to fall into its arms. Takashi was frowning. He was trying to grip who I really was. What I was really planning. People had titled me, as the happy turtle. The one that nothing could scar me, the truth. The world scared me. Was it so wrong? What was so bad about my life?

Takashi's POV

Michelangelo. He was something that made no sense. I took his body, formed it into something I wanted, who I was. Yet he was so calm. The words he used, _I care for you, I care for my brothers_ what about himself. I frowned, breathing in. I didn't know him, sure I was only 2 years old. Aging was digging in. Grabbing my chest. Someone who'd grown up too fast. Rose to my feet to be thrown into the pit. That experience was the reason I didn't smile, heck it was like I didn't know what it really was.

(Takashi please I need your help.) Michelangelo's tone had changed, fear. Tears. I nodded.

"With what?" I asked slowly.

Leo's POV

"DONATELLO I TOLD YOU!" I growled, Donnie was shaking, he'd lost too much weight. That was his problem, if he'd just been stronger. If he held strong.

"Leo please... this isn't you." Donnie said quietly.

"Well I've changed!" I growled. Donnie shook his head, eyes widening. I shook my head, the battle. They never understood. Stress was rolling down on me.

"Leave him alone Leo!" Raph growled. I flipped around. Raphael, I frowned. This has nothing to do with him, did it? I pulled my jaw in and shook my head and started towards my room. Donnie was breathing deeply behind me.

* * *

I collapsed on my bed. A picture of my family. It was one Splinter hung in his room. I gripped it, ignoring the peeling gold painted iron digging into my skin.

"Sensei... what have I become?" I cried. I felt weak, but maybe anger and cruelty was all I could result to hide my feelings, but becoming a monster was not I thought I'd be... I was horrified at myself. Mikey... why did he have to die? He was so young at innocent, his final moments were probably torture as we tried to calm him from our mistakes... And Master Splinter... both of them were gone. The darkness was pulling in... ripping me apart. Tearing every part of sanity I owned. Eating my skin away... I wasn't helping me either... I was a monster now...

Mikeys alive!...ish ahhhhh leo! Takashi! when i get to my omas I can put a picture of what Takashi looks like so yeah! yep and Raphie! words...flkdgjdnsgvrhweuilvghrechuirqeiuvheofic43yf78fgd83f7ogh

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	12. Giving up

NOT ALLOWED TO SLEEP TILL THIS IS DONE!- **hehe** **sorry** **I** **trying** **to** **work** **out** **to** **get** **me** **to** **update!** **12 at** **night** **to** **threaten** **your** **sleep** **is** **good** **right? Hehe**

 **Gonna** **warn** **you** **feels! Sorry** **its** **short! Woah** **haven't** **updated** **since last** **year... Wow!**  
 **Hehe! Hope** **you** **like** **this** **chapter!**

Takashi's POV  
I drew in a breath.  
"Please Mikey you can't make me do this." I whimpered. Mikey sighed.  
(Takashi, its ok.) Mikey tried to sooth. I closed my eyes. Of all the things. My hand was gripping the edge of the building. Casey and April lived here.  
"Mikey." I was shaking, teeth grinding into each other. Why die he want this so bad? I slowly started to climb down, the wind was whipping my cloak around. I tried to crane my neck, to keep my hood on. Whispers.

"Guys?" April stuck her head out the window. My hammering heart was brought up.  
"Not really." I said, taking a cautious step to the worn wooden seal. April bit in her lip. Her eyes turned cold, as they turned defensive. I closed my eyes.  
"Hello can I come in?" I asked, the crouched poistion I was in, had gotten boring. April closed her eyes.  
"Why?!" Casey demanded. He walked in. I felt Mikey's excitement leap. They were his family, as close as his brothers... Or his master.  
"I... We need to talk." Those seemed like the right words. Not me... Not Mikey. We needed to do this together. That word sounded wrong. We shouldn't be together. I took his body! I was am the reason his father was dead...  
"We?" Casey demanded. He pulled a chair out. I frowned.  
"You heard me." I said slowly. April's face was woven into confusion.  
(She's trying to read you.) Mikey explained. I nodded.  
"Ok." I said aloud.  
"What?" Casey frowned, his fingers tapping impatiently on his worn jeans.  
"Talking to..." I frowned. Could they take the truth? I scrunched my face, allowing the wind to blow over my out stuck tongue.  
"To Michelangelo." I said, attempting to relax my muscles, which were tensing up. Casey jumped up. The chair hit the tiles.  
"Your lying!" He growled. I felt him grab me. It was fear, that shone so loudly in his eyes. He didn't want this. None of them did. Everyone was a victim. Victim to the fact I trusted a liar. To my fear of life. They wanted Michelangelo they got a joke. A poorly built replica. I shook my head.  
"Please." I moaned. I didn't want to hurt him. A) Mikey would hate me and B) I couldn't.  
"Explain." Casey drove a foot into my plastron. I nodded, allowing myself to fall on the floor. April said nothing, observing from a cautious distant.  
"See he's in here." I explained. Tapping my head. Casey frowned.  
"No." He growled. I shook my head.  
"What do you mean?" Leo asked. I flipped around. Him.

"Leonardo." I said slowly.  
"You know my name." He curled his lip. What did he take me as? As an animal? Something that should be caged. This was hurting more than anything. The stories Mikey was talk to me about. The brave Leonardo. The one who would of given up on his family. That because I wasn't. I was a mistake. A test subject. I'd followed Shredder's leash.  
(Leo.) Mikey was scared at his older brother. For the passed month Mikey talked about Leonardo. He was like a fairy tale. Ready to jump in a save his family. This hurt too much. I bowed my head.  
"Its ok." I whispered. Leo's eyes widened.  
"You think it's ok?!" He growled, punching me. I closed my eyes.  
"No." I admitted. Was anything ever alright?  
(Let me take over.) Mikey begged. I hesitated, taking my eyes off the blue masked turtle.  
"Why?!" I whispered, although I already knew why.  
(I need this.) He explained. I nodded.  
"Fine." I agreed.

Mikey's POV  
Takashi let go of himself. It felt wrong, but once agreeing with myself I had full control I ran up and hugged Leo. Hand gripped over his shell.  
"Please Leo." I sobbed. Leo seemed to know it was me. Tears ran down.  
"Mikey..." He cried. I dug my head into his chest. His heart fast but steady. Just like as kids. Two brothers. Holding each other. Keeping each other alive...

NO SLEEPY!- **More** **warnings** **for** **myself! Ahh** **leo! You** **will** **be** **ok!... I** **think! Mikey** **just** **wants** **to** **help! And** **Takashi... Caught** **it** **the** **middle... My** **baby! Ahh** **anyway** **got** **to** **sleep! Before** **I** **get** **caught** **too!**  
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	13. Failure

**this chapter is around leo... bit on Donnie's condition so yeah... *cries*its just sad. Based what happened before the previous chapter, and what was happening lair side of things!**

Leo's POV-

~before chapter 12~

I drew in a slow careful breath, clenching my fist tighter. Sweat running down the pores in my skin. All I wanted to do was help my family... All I did was hurt myself... WHY?! Why was I such a failure? One of the first lesson from Master Splinter was your family comes first. I had broken that rule... As the thoughts continued to flow through my head, but none could form a single thought... Takashi... he killed his father, his little brother. My precious little brother... The anger building on my chest was only bringing heaver weight on my chest. Some days I just wanted to cry... then again i'd look weak against his family.  
"Leo... You ok?" Donnie's whispered. My opened his eyes. Scared legs met his eyes. I scowled.  
"What do you want?" I growled. I wanted to help, maybe i could. If i really tried, but it only seemed to hurt more.  
"Just go away." I grumbled, closing my eyes. Donnie sighed and left.

I heard a loud bang then an angered groan. I bit in my lip. What was Donatello doing?  
"Argh!" He yelled out. I bit my lip in. It sounded like things were being thrown.  
"Donnie!" Raph yelled out. My stomach flipped. If Raph was worried about him... I stood up walking towards to lab. It was exactly as I heard. Donnie was throwing a temper tantrum. I frowned as I dodged a broken pair of saftey goggles.

"Donatello!" I snapped, leaping in and grabbing his shoulders. Donnie flipped around, tears threatening to roll down. Honestly his face broke me. My little brother, in so much emotional pain. Call me heartless, because that's who I was now. Blame that jerk Takashi. I wasn't trying so hard so, Donnie broke free. Metal head, that amazing little robot beeped next to Donnie. I think it was trying to speak, but Donnie hadn't added a voice box yet. Donnie turned around. Clenching a wrench in his hand. He smashed it. Metal grinded as Donatello smashed his beloved machine. Metal head seemed to be doing a robots form of a scream. Could it feel pain?

"Donnie stop." I'd kinda ignored Raph till that moment. Just because it hurt too much. Raph jumped in front of the yellow robot. Donnie, who was too anger driven and with the tears rolling down his face. The hammer smashed against. Raph's skull. Raph's head flung back as the metal hit. Blood started poring down his face. His expression ran too fast. It was first surprised, but slowly melted into an expressionless blob. His legs buckled, but as the heartless monster ive become I did nothing. Donnie was horrifed.

"Raph!" Donnie screamed out. I stumbled back over a stray hammer.

"WHAT THE SHELL DONNIE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM?!" I screamed out, pushing him away from Raph. Donnie's tears were streaming down. Regret so obvious in the genius eyes.

"I'm... sorry."

"ARE YOU?! YOU HURT RAPH!"

"It was an... accident..." Donnie mumbled, words struggling to form.

"You have no right." I shook my head. Donnie started to ignore me and set towards fixing my head, but I wasn't done yet. I sent an angered kick at his chest.

"Stop!" Donnie whimpered, he was on the floor. His long hands fiddling over Raph's head wound. I shook my head, eyes narrowing deeply. I couldn't move. Raph was breathing deeply, blood spurting out what seemed like no end. Donnie's condition wasn't helping my present mental health. I hated my life. Why had I resulted into abusing my depressed younger brother? He'd lost his best friend. Became slighty skits... I sighed and bowed my head. Donnie was ignoring me... Taking in a breath I left to Casey and April's maybe they could help me...

Takashi...

I clenched my teeth.

"What the shell is he doing here?" I muttered to myself. Instinct drove over as I climbed to April and Casey's new apartment. The only reason I hated their engagement, was it only becasue it brought Donnie's depression deeper... what the shell is going on?! Why is he their?! To bring them to their deaths too? To ruin peaceful lives?...

 **Sorry this is short! mums calling me to get off and i like living! haha yeah... feeels!**

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	14. author note

sorru this isnt an update but oh my gosh... i found out Takashi is Tiger claws first name... what the shell?! ahhh thats so weird! anyway yeah... again sorry i just had this freakout moment! also those reading this in the future yeah i didnt steal cause i didnt know!


	15. Deal with it

**Ok** **can** **I** **just** **starting** **with... WHAT** **THE** **SHELL** **WAS** **WITH** **THAT** **SEASON** **FINAL?! AH** **THE** **FEELS! *screams* splinters** **gone**! Yeah...

Donnie's POV

My eyes drifted over Raph's body.  
"Please be ok... oh shell." I sobbed. My mind was running in a million pieces. I rubbed my hands over his head. Raph moaned slightly. "No." I shook my head. Come on Donatello pull your head in. How?! How could I? What did I do wrong? My hands were moving around the wound. My hands were easily finding the spot I hit Raph. I identified the mark. Light. Maybe slight brain damage... Tears welling up. What was wrong with me?! I could hear Leo leave. Good. Raph moaned slightly.  
"I'm sorry." I whispered to him. Cleaning the wound with antiseptic. My legs were shaking hard, struggling to hold me in place. Metal head twitched next to me. Sparks were still flying. I flicked my eyes towards him..  
"Sorry Raph." My hand curled over his head. I reached for bandages from my fallen red cabinet. Bandages... I drove my teeth into my front lip to stop the cries. What did I do wrong? Even before all of this... The kraang? Shredder... They hunted us because what? Because Hamato Yoshi and Oroku Saki fought over a girl! Because jealousy... I never asked for this. Fifteen year old me was excited me wanted to be the hero. We all did... Raph's head was mostly covered now. Eighteen year old me cursed against the rat. He was selfish. Here your my sons pay my debt. Karai... She was thrown into this... Force to decided her side on life. I sat on the floor of my lab and cried. Feeling six years old when I got lost in the sewers. What was the one thing that cheered me up? Mikey... I kicked my foot across the floor.  
"Give him back!" My words were slurred. Drooled. "Give me my younger brother!" Raph was stirring, honestly I didn't care if Raph woke up now, his eyes flashed open.

"Donatello!" He wrapped his arms around me. "Bud?" He asked, eyes laced with worry. I bit in my lip. Words refusing to come out. "Hey Donnie, I'm here." I could tell he was trying to work what was wrong. I looked at him.  
"Careful with your head." Was all I manged to say before the rest became drooled. Raph frowned, as if he'd been completely unaware of the injury. Raph shook his head and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his snout into my chest.  
"It's ok." He soothed. I shook my head, lazily trying to push him off. These passed two years confused me. Raph went from don't you touch me. To I'm here... Almost like he was trying to replace Mikey. No! This wasn't intentions. Raph was whispering words to me... Wait was that Tarzan he was singing?

 _"I will protect you_  
 _From all around you_  
 _I will be here_  
 _Don't you cry_

I smiled, taking his hand. Raph slowly rubbed my palm continuing.

 _"Yes, you'll be in my heart_  
 _From this day on"_

His voice was soft, slight cracks in it... but in the end those were the best... His tone gave away the fact he really wanted to protect me...

 _"No matter what they say_  
 _You'll be here in my heart_  
 _Always"_

 _What they say,_ what Leonardo said. I winced as the memory of the blue eyed turtle kicking me...

"Shhh..." He slowly stroked his hand over my stroke gathering forehead. It was all right, Raph had me... My big brother had me... Eyes starting to droop. Just alittle sleep.

I woke up with smoke screamimg up my nostrils. I sat up, head hitting the pole above my head.  
"Shell." I winced, wait why was I in bed?  
"Ahh!" Raph screamed, I bolted up.  
"Raph!" My legs wobbled, as I went toward the kitchen. The usual frown pasted on my face. Life was fun dealing with depression! Raph glanced at me and flashed a smile.  
"I tried to make bacon and eggs." He shrugged, using the fire extinguisher. I shrugged, sitting on the chairs. Raph bit in his lip.  
"It'll get better Donnie." Raph mutters, those words. I jumped up.  
"Why do you keep saying that?!" I demanded. Raph blinked.  
"Because..." The words caught the green eyed turtle. Even Raph was broken... When was the last time I'd seen him mad... The questions swarmed through my mind. Raph blinked. "Can you just listen to me..." He asked calmly, trying to change the subject. I furiously shook my head.  
"So you can lie again?!" I growled. Raph struggled to keep his face straight. He curled his hands and places his head into them.  
"Donatello." He muttered... Tears were starting to fall.  
"What?" I asked in short anger. I was tried of this... The world just shoving everything in my face and making me deal with it... What did I do wrong? Was this the price of murder? Was this the price for being a freak? Maybe the world was asking for payment... Why?! I was sobbing again. It felt good the way my shoulders hiccupped the sobs...

Mikey's POV  
Leo was sobbing deeply in my chest, I rubbed my single arm along his shell.  
"Its ok I'm here." I whispered... The way he relied so heavily on my support..what the shell was my older brother suffering with?

 **So... Yeah** **that's** **chapter** **14.**.. **My** **poor** **baby** **Donnie! I** **love** **how** **Raph** **its** **the** **older** **brother** **now! So** **cute! I** **wanna** **have** **a** **little** **of** **his** **amgee** **side** **later... Idk** **anything** **from** **your** **guys** **views? Say** **in** **the** **comments!** **u!**  
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 **-Ninja** **out**


	16. Thanks for the memories

**OK im gonna do it! im making myself update...come on dude you keep pushing this back dammit procrastination anyway... umm words.**

Leo's POV

The very feel of my little brother's body hurt.  
"Leo?" Mikey whispered, lighting raising my head. I blinked back tears. Mikey pulled off his hood, revealing his face. I bit my lip in, Mikey... My hand reached out to touch the scarred face. Mikey tried for a smile.  
"Hey Leo?" His voice cracked. I lowered my eyes, eventually bowing my head into my little brothers chest. Mikey looked down.  
"Hey Leonardo?" Mikey whispered, he had no idea, no idea what was going on. A sob.  
"Leo please talk to me." Mikey whispered, he didn't dare to move my position. I opened my mouth, but not enough for Mikey to know.  
"Everything's that happened... its just so hard." I admitted.  
"Hmm." Was muttered, with a rub against my arm as he was indicating for me to continue. I shook my head and bowed it back in.

"Mikey." Casey whispered, Mikey lightly pushed against me, like he wanted for me to leave. Casey stumbled towards Mikey.

"It's really you." A grin on Casey's lips. Mikey smiled.

"No shell for brains its Leatherhead." Mikey grinned. Casey nodded, his hand reached to touch Mikey's plastron. I lowered my line of vision, when the last time I saw Casey smile? A flicker that one day when he beat Raph?

* * *

 _"See that!" Casey smirked, standing over Raph's body. I took a cautious look towards the best friends. Raph was laying on the floor, his sleepless nights etched under his eye. The slow pant gave the effect of Raph's allowed beating. Raph shrugged, grabbing his sai. A shrug. Casey's shoulders flopped down._

 _"What about patrol?" Casey bounced, the frown on my lips increased. Patrol what? Can't the city take of its self? The sane part of me scowled. Come on Leonardo, get hold of yourself. My mind whispered, I shook my head._

 _"Hello Casey." The pain drawing in through my lungs. Casey flipped around, as if Raph didn't matter anymore._

 _"Leo!" Casey blinked, his hands twitched nervously next to him. I cocked my head, Casey frowned, his eyes circled the area. Escape, was all that was read through his dark blue eyes. It would be a lie to tell you I didn't enjoy the fear, my back pulled its self up, even if I was shorter than Casey I still owned the power. He knew that... Don't smile. Wait what the shell was I doing? I pulled my leg back, allowing myself to stumble._

 _"Leo?"_

 _"I'm fine." I snapped, turning on my heel. Through the corner of my eye I could see Casey Jones for who is he was. Other than straight out idiot he was a friend someone who cared for his family, he'd kinda adopted us and April as his family, since his father was apparently abusive. I refused to lock eyes with him. Maybe that's why he cared so much about us? Because we gave him the freedom that he longed for so long... Or Casey was just a brainless idiot that had no idea what he was doing... The second option would make more sense._

* * *

I blinked back the tears, wasn't this all my fault? Arms around me.

"Leo I'm here," April whispered to me, her perfume reminded me of the farm house, the soft care free days of the passed. I looked at her, it made sense why Donnie fell in love with her, I nudged my shoulder against the 19 year old. April blinked. "Leo?" She whispered. "You know I'm here?"

I wanted to laugh out, how many times people have said that. _"I will never leave you I'm here."_ Then you went and died! Good job Master Splinter it was all that Takashi's fault. I told Mikey I was there for him no matter what and look what happened. Look what did happen.

"YOU ACTUALLY DID IT?! PROPOSED TO HER!" Mikey grinned, his hand punched Casey's chest. He hid that pain so well, every single day to him was a drag through the mud and this whole Michelangelo kept his smile. Pain builds people, pain are people. Our hearts see an obstacle and we're given the choice to give up the world and as Master Splinter would say follow your mind and allow it to break apart? OR chose the heart options and build on and around that. The Mikey option, maybe sensei was right Mikey was the closes spiritual wise.

* * *

 _"Just relax Donatello." Splinter said softly, smiling at Donnie._

 _"I am sensei!" Donnie protested, eyes flashing open. Splinter smiled._

 _"No your mind is over run... deep breath." The rat said softly, kneeling infront of Donnie he stood up and walked towards Raph, whose face was curled into a deep scowl. A light chuckle._

 _"Raphael meditating is not something you train for... it just is, Master Splinter lightly massaged Raph's head, whispering soft words in Japanese. He passed me, knowing that even at 10 I was the greatest at mediating. (Lol no 10yr old Leo...your not) ._

 _"Michelangelo," Master Splinter soft hands grabbed Mikey's hand. "My son please relax."Mikey pouted. "Why? The voices are boring!"_

 _"Voices?"_

 _Mikey rolled back so his shell slowly rocked himself on the floor. "Yeah the ones about you guys," Mikey took a moment before snorting. All eyes went to the orange masked ninja._

 _"You guys don't hear them?" He frowned, he sat up from his shell hammock, for a second mystery tinted in his eyes. Splinter shook his, later Splinter talked to me after my complaint that Mikey didn't try and yet he was so good... at everything. Master Splinter believed Mikey had the ability to tap into his emotions, maybe thats why he was able to take over his body from Takashi..._

 **So umm thats my update done...cause i think ive heard in the comics casey's dad was abusive? if anyone wants to back that up for me or correct me feel free... but i realised i changed from Takeshi to Takashi.. good job me... *slow clap* haha anyway im so happy people actually like this book! hehe Casril for day! i actually hate 2012 casril but im deliberately trying to hurt donnie more... (im sorry my baby!) anyway gtg to bed so until next update!**

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	17. Shi

**_But I updated laaaast month! *groans* meanie making me use effort to write..._**

Mikey's POVBut I updated laaaast month! *groans* meanie making me use effort to write...

Mikey's POV

Leo led me to my old room

"We haven't been in here...since..." He chuckled off the pain. I could tell he was trying. Maybe I'd brought hope...

"Its ok Leo." I flashed a smile, Leo picked up an old pizza box.

"Radio?" He asked flicking it on. Immediately Up Town Funk blasted through the speakers. "Remember our karaoke night?" Leo chuckled. I grinned.

"Raph had a voice break." I recalled.

"I just want to sleep." That would get him off my shell. Leo blinked. "Sure! Pizza for breakfast?" Yep, that voice was definitely a lie.

* * *

(Mikey.) Takashi whispered, I froze.

"Hey Shi." I smiled. Takashi smiled, I could feel he liked the nickname.

(I'm scared.)

I nodded. "Me too Shi...what's up with Donnie? He was never like that before." There was a sense of comfort laying here. The distant sound of Leo and Donnie arguing, I gritted my teeth, why were they like this?! Two years had gone too fast for me, but obvious too slow for the word... Donnie seemed to be suffering mentally, murderer he'd called, or Takashi. I'd never blamed him for Splinter's dead, but obviously the rest of the would had, I remember when Takashi was 'young' I was going through a period where I wasn't alive, but I wasn't dead. I'd never believed in the idea of an after life, or god, because supposedly there was someone up there who cared. When I'd heard those words from TV I laughed, I was only seven years but if someone cared we wouldn't be living in this sewers, at fifteen those words mocked me again. Who was there for us?! No one, just ourselves.

* * *

I was in darkness. Didn't know what I was, I was here, I was no where.

"Michelangelo." A voice grabbed at my existence. It was distant. I tried to reach for it, like someone calling you from outside, its there. You can here it, but you can't understand it, not fully anyway.

"Yes?" I yelled out. My voice didn't sound right...it wasn't there, my stomach churned. I knew the words had come out. What the shell was going on?! Light. My shadow through itself behind me. The light took itself in the shape of a man. Young, yet age dug into his skin. His brown eyes were warm.

"Michelangelo."

I blinked, I knew this man. I'd seen him a hundred a hundred times over.

"Master...father." Once again the words left my lips, but left silence. The mans image shifted. Yoshi to Splinter. When we were younger Master Splinter had explained the reason he'd changed his name was because he'd left his old life, he was no longer the husband, the next in line to protect the Hamato clan, he was alive to care for his family. For his family, we were mutants. Without thinking I nestled my head into his chest. I was scared. I gripped his hand.

* * *

(Maybe...) Takashi started, I shook my head.

"Don't start."

(Mikey...please.) Takashi begged.

"What? You gonna tell me everything's ok?! Let's all celebrate cause its all A OK! After all..." I spat. I felt Takashi wince.

(Sorry)

I felt horrible, but lies never helped anyone, I'd learned that lesson along time. Hope was a lie, and I'd relied too much on them before the cannon ball of truth smashed me in the face...

* * *

Rahzar's's POV

I held my nose up to the air.

"Human scum." I muttered, I had been a mutant for longer I'd bothered to count.

I looked down to see Xever shaking his head.

"What?!" I growled, Xever smiled.

"The subject, the turtles have it." The smile now caught my lips.

"What do you think they'll do to it?" I asked.

"Well seeing Leonardo's condition..." Xever grinned, the two of us and been put on watch for the 'subject' and the turtles. Although Donatello was never seen, watching the Hamato clan, and close friends of the mutant abuse the turtle that called it self Takashi was amusing in itself. Xever turned on heel.

"Let's tell the mistress." Xever grinned. I rolled my eyes.

"She'll probably find someone way to punish us." I muttered, taking a glance at my wounded tail. Xever nodded, but gave a reluctant shrug.

"While Master is sick what else are we going to do?"

I growled in anger. I hated when the mutant fish was right.

* * *

Her eyes were what put me off, every single time. Almost everything was the same about Karai when she was a young teen, same style. Piercings ran up her eyes, breast plate newer but same style, but her eyes were pitch black. An experiment. After Stickman was...murdered. Shredder recruited a young scientist that went by the name Chaplin, bright. He was too happy, his excitement for experiments was good, but scary in a sense. Chaplin, on Shredders orders was forced to 'enhance' her eyes. Night vision, that crap.

Which was cool...expect... They looked creepy.

"Yes?" Karai asked in a freakishly calm tone. She climbed off the throne. I straighted my back.

"Mistress." I kept my head towards Karai, while my eyes refused to look directly at her. I could almost feel the heat of her constant anger. Karai had become so much alike to Shredder you could almost suggest they were blood related. Of course they weren't, but nevertheless believable. I explained our recent mission of watching Takashi go into the sewers with Leonardo. Karai frowned at the name of her teenage crush, but it ended in a smile. Xever seemed to refuse to back me up, smirking as my tongue grew heavier, the sweat running through my thin fur. Karai blinked slowly.

"Ra..." She began.

"Mistress Karai!" Chaplin bounced into the room. Karai drew in a breath and tensed for the scientist. "Mistress!" Chaplin was shaking. "Karai, Mr Saki is..."

"Master Shredder!" Karai yelled, punched Chaplin, knocking his sand yellow glasses off his face."

"Sorry..." Chaplin bowed his head and collected the now cracked glasses off the ground.

"Master Shredder... Is dying..."

"We know that idiot!" Xever went to slap Chaplin. Karai caught his wrist, I noticed the colour draining quickly off her face. Chaplin edged away from Xever before continuing.

"He asked for you...one last time...alone." Chaplin began nervously. Karai nodded, lowered her head so her hair bangs covered her face and slowly walked to the door.

 **Shredders gonna die! In this fan fic...duh he's already dead in the series ^^ new ep tomorrow! XD I probs failed Fish Face and Rahzar... Sorry not sorry. And the Mikey and Shi part was cute I just called him Shi cause I'm too lazy to write his whole name out... ^^ Aww Leos trying! If you like that...you'll hate what I'm planning for Leo soon... Haha! Anyway**

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	18. Bad thoughts

**Sorry you had to wait a while i had a church camp thing...Trek..if you guys know what that is... yeah guys I'm Mormon! (Christan)OK this is the real update guys! that was the last time i'd use my Oma's old laptop to write out a chapter...*sighs* but its over! umm also i should say this out there is a suicide attempt in this chapter i dont know if any of you or how many of my faithful readers are sensitve about that topic so i should warn you ^_^ yeh I DO NOT support the idea of it...I just felt like I wanted to freak you guys out! yep..this update took 6 hours of me sitting on the computer, listening to emo (im not emo just like the style) music,rping pinteresting..lots of voltron fan art! i recenetly binged the entire series! (Legendary defenders..the most recent version )hehe anyway yeah this is chapter 18!**

Leo's POV

That was the night I left Mikey I sighed and walked towards the bathroom, the sweat was beading down my forehead.

"Just calm down." I muttered to myself and set myself in the mirror, painfully gripping the edge to steady my rocking knees. My image hit me. I hadn't looked in the mirror in over a year. My eyes were bagging, I was so pale it almost hurt, my skin dry and weak, painfully pulling itself over my boned cheeks. I chuckled.

"That's how you wanna look when you die Leo?" I chuckled and drew out the knife. My eyes flashed in the I really wanna do this? End it right here right now? Donnie coughed outside the door.

"Um Leo..what are you doing?"

I jumped and looked at Donnie.

"Why do you care?" I quickly snapped. Donnie recoiled.

"Well I need to wash my hands." He waved his hands weakly.

"There's a sink in the kitchen." I said coldly.

"Whats with the knife?" He asked, giving me a feared look. "Your not going to start cutting are you?" He was shaking as he said the words, I tried not to smile..if he knew...what my real plans were. I forced the laugh. Donnie was looking me dead in the eye.

"Fine." He grumbled, obviously giving up the battle...

The only noise was the squeal than ran through the lair, as Donnie turned on the plumbing. I looked straight in the mirror. I carefully closed the door. My heart was pounding. To be honest I don't know why I was running away like this, but I'd seen how I'd hurt Donatello. I didn't know who Raphael was anymore. Michelangelo..my poor innocent brother where was he in the long scheme of things? The victim. My hand was shaking as I rose it to my neckline. My only regret...I never tried. I tried not to look in the mirror..had my eyes changed so much in a year? My mind seemed to trying to distract itself from my current position. Look Leonardo, the walls are brown.

"Good bye." I slit the knife over my throat. I felt the effects immediately, my lungs went to draw in the breath. My heart slammed up air, it needed air. WHERE WAS THE AIR?! The blood was trickling down my neck. My knees fell out of its steady position I was unaware of until my knees hit the ground.

"HHgnnnn." I moaned, I could feel the death enveloping me, my lungs pressed out for air. They say you can live around three minutes without air. I felt that time had long over gone. My blood was starting to slowly fill my mouth, my eyes dripped close. I was almost ready to snap my eyes open and stand up. There was something soothing about the open arms of death. No poor pain.

* * *

I was drawn towards was light pulling itself blurred black.

" _Why Leonardo? Why run?_ "

I was pulled back into the dark...'Because...because' I wanted to stutter out. My body couldn't...fading out.

* * *

Mikey's POV

 _(Michelangelo_ ) Takashi interrupted. ( _I believe we need to pee._ ) I jumped, holding back the laugh. Raph would slap me bringing up what was going on down there. I frowned, coming into attention of the tugging feeling... O _ooooooooo_ h that's what that was.

"Should we?" I asked standing up.

( _Yes._ )

I stood up, I passed the bathroom the door was rocking slightly. I frowned and nudged it with my foot. Liquid was edging under the door.

"Shell." I cursed, this must of meant a pipe had broken. I shoved the door with my shoulder, grunting as I pushed passed the barrier. An arm flopped in front of the door. The scream reached my throat. Pale, weak...green and lifeless. Shoving the rest of the door my eyes met Leo. A slit was across his neck. I let out the scream of pure horror. What had Leo done? I looked around the room there had to be a murderer hiding in here. The truth creeped up my spine...Leo had killed himself...

"Le..." My legs gave way, taking them around Leo's lifeless body. My arm brushed passed a pulse on his neck. My heart stopped, Leo's pulse was weak, barely supported...but there..."DONNIE! DONNIE!" I screamed, too scared to get up and run towards the lab, to leave Leo. I shut off Takashi's yelling voice. Donnie pounded towards the bathroom.

"Mikey what?..." He looked at Leo. The tears were streaming down my face, blurring off the rest of the world.

"You have to save him...please... I know all the crap he's given you..but I want him to give another chance...I never gave Leo a chance..I...want my brothers back." I sobbed, rocking my body forward and backwards. Why did I do all this? Why did I cry that day two years ago? Everything fell downwards after that... The pain in my heart set ablaze in my family, took everything from the inside. Donnie was looking at me curiously, like he was trying to understand my words. I tightened my expression. "Donatello...please." It took all my strength the hold the tears back. Donnie turned on his heel.

"He'll need an oxygen tank...Mikey try and cover up his wound with bandages..." Donnie muttered quickly, I nodded and leaned over Leo's body to grab the bandages from the bathrooms draw, dabbing them on Leo's neck. Donnie slowly placed a breathing mask over Leo's mouth. I was holding Leo, too scared to move my position, or Leo's...

"What the shell are you doing!?" Raph demanded. I looked up.

"Leo tried to kill himself." I explained.

"And your saving him...Donatello?" Raph cocked his head. Donnie nodded.

"It relaxes the voice...doing what I know...I know science...I think..." Donnie stuck his tongue out his mouth. Raph's mouth tightened.

"You know you this is Leo right Donnie?" Raph looked at both of us, eyes skimming over Leo. Donnie looked up at Raph, releasing his grip on the needle he was gently stitching Leo's neck with.

"Honestly I don't know why I'm doing this...please just let me...do this...please..."

 **I'm honestly happy i got to re-write the end..like i said this took me 6 hours..sorta so had time to write it slowly other than just quickly doing the whole thing so i could go to sleep! yep guys appreciate this! um...words...once again I DONT SUPPORT SUICIDE OR CUTTING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT! but yeah.. sooo is leo gonna live? is he gonna die?! idk i havent decided yet...im kidding he _... seya guys next month**

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	19. Chances

**hey guys! this is chapter 19 and you guys better be happy! you find out whether leo's gone or not! haha!**

Leo's POV

 _I tried to get hold of myself...did this mean I succeeded!? I'd killed myself...Was it worth it? Ending my life at 18!? I almost laughed at my self pity, too late now Leonardo. Your dead!_

 _"Leonardo!" A voice barked, it was a demand. The voice was Japanese, with a small tint of fifteen years of living under American soil. I smiled._

 _"Sensei!" I flipped around, his snout was lowered down eyes glaring at me, I pulled back my arms behind my back so I wouldn't hug him. "Mas...ter Splinter?" I frowned. The rat shook his head, I noticed his streaks of grey fur that once ran against his snout and neck were gone._

 _"Why?" Was the only words his said, his figure walked towards me, it bounced with white and gold light, i glanced down at my own hands that seemed to be forming the more I had accepted my status of death. But the weak grey glow refused to change. My eyes fearfully kept themselves on my hand._

 _"I...I was scared." I explained, fear was weird in this world of dead, Shikai, its Japanese name, skimmed over my memory. I was scared, but where was the slamming heart and the urge to run!? My legs grounded their place. My heart knew fear wasn't the right answer to say. His ears we're lowering. "Fear Leonardo?" He asked slowly._

 _"Hai." I replied, because those words seemed the fit the situation._

 _"What about all those other times you were 'scared?' Did that give you right to kill yourself on battle?!"_

 _"I had a reason to fight sensei!" I protested, the words feeler drier as I continued on._

 _"That reason being?" He pressed._

 _"My brothers,"_

 _"And do they not matter now?" He frowned._

 _"Well I don't to them, so why should they matter to me." I growled. Splinter's eyes widened, his eyes told the truth I felt. I wasn't Leonardo Hamato...I was...nothing... The truth hit I was not better than Takashi himself. Splinter sighed._

 _"You do matter." He waved his hand, light presented itself to me, growing darker to represent a room._

 **"DAMMIT LEONARDO!" I heard Raph's voice scream. I noticed Donnie flinch over a pool of blood and darkened shadow. He looked down at Donnie. "Sorry D." He muttered, then shook a fist at the figure. A wave of guilt took over me. That figure was me...they... were saving me. Mikey stumbled in, carefully carrying a heart monitor.**

 **"Read the instructions." Donnie waved his hand weakly, then threw away blood soaked bandages.** _I looked at Master Splinter, his eyes were staring at me._

 _"Do not matter Leonardo?" He growled. I shook my head._

 _"I..." I stuttered, he shook his head in a disappointed angry way. Giving a deep sigh I looked back._

 **I caught the monitor, the beep was weak, forced. Raph was shaking his head.**

 **"WELL YOU GOING TO HELP?!" Donnie yelled, making everyone but sensei jump. Raph looked at Donnie, a frown nudged at his cheek. He shook his head, looking slightly at Mikey. Tears were rolling down Mikey's cheek, Raph frowned and looked at Mikey.**

 **"Yes?" Mikey sobbed. Raph sighed.**

 **"Hey little brother." Raph whispered and pulled Mikey into a hug. "Leo's gonna be ok... You know why?" Raph smiled. "Because he's a Hamato..besides... Sensei's probably kicking his sorry shell right now." He said, as if he knew where I was currently. Master Splinter curled into a smile and nodded.**

 **Mikey looked up at Raph and giggled. "Yeah he'd get busted!" Raph smiled** , _tears...I was crying? I frowned wiping the liquid off my snout._

 _"You're still alive Leonardo. Once last chance Leonardo." His formed flickered to a slender man. Hamato Yoshi. "Please make it a good one, my son." I took another look at my brothers. Mikey sobbing. Donnie doing his best to save me, the older brother, the leader._

* * *

I took in a deep breath. Donnie jerked back. I had been moved in the lab. Mikey curled asleep on Donnie's computer chair.

"Hullo." I said, going to sit up, before realizing the pain that spiked up in my neck. Donnie shot me a cold look and forced me down. My stomach flipped. "Sorry." Donnie shook his head and grunted.

"The leader wakes up." Raph growled and walks over to me. "Hello fearless." He mocked.

"I talked to sensei."I blurted out, Donnie flipped around from his computer.

"What?" Raph jumped.

"I talked to him..."I repeated.

Donnie cocked his head slightly.

"What..no I don't want to!" He snapped his head back and growled. "What did he say?" He asked. I sighed.

"Just."

"SHUT UP!" Donnie yelled out and gripped his head. Raph uncrosses his arms and put them around Donnie.

"It's not real." He whispered. Donnie nodded.

"I know but...they just get worse when I haven't slept in a while."

"Awhile?!" I snapped, how long was I out for?

"Yes awhile! Because your a coward!" Raph yelled and poked a finger at my plastron. Mikey moaned and scrunched up his face. Raph stopped.

"Raph...give me another chance!" I protested.

"To what? To betray us again?!" Betray?! What did I...I cut my thoughts short...I did..In a way, treated them like nothing. Like mistakes, in a way they were...my mistakes. As the leader, the big brother. They were put into my hands. I left Donnie to deal with depression and schizophrenia. I betrayed there trust in me.

"I didn't betray you!" I lied...Clenching my hand tightly, rubbing it against the cold blanket underneath me. Raph rolled his eyes and waved his hand in a 'i give up' motion. I closed my eyes, who was I?I...Tears were rolling silently. My own family won't give me another chance, who will.

* * *

Raph left with Donnie to calm him down. Mikey groaned and opened his eyes. "Leo's awake!" He jumped. My eyes could barely see him before he'd wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"I was so scared you were gone Leo." He whispered in my ear. I nodded slowly.

"I saw." I said quietly. Mikey frowned and looked at me. I faked a smile, about to give an explanation Mikey laughed and hugged me. "You're so weird big brother.." Confused as ever as the way was with the freckled turtle I smiled and wrapped my arm around him...maybe...just maybe I could help my team again, and eventually my family...

 **the end bit was bit rushed sorry if some parts dont make sense...if they dont point it out to me! or it'll just keeping on going weird! anyway yaaaaay leos ok! wooo! what you guys think? gah i almost forgot some of this was helped by my adopted online little sis**

 **haha its so short once i take away my rambles i do on Wattpad...like my wattpad tags to tori and hundred emoji love hearts...and other stuff anyway yeah...**

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	20. Attack

**alright i was nice to you heres your september update...with 3 and a half of it left! anyway i felt like there wasnt enough action in the past couple of chapters..sooo heres an actiony chapter..sorry i cant write fight scenes.**

Leo's POV

I breathed slowly. Donnie was staring at me, eyes curiously scanning over me and mentally taking notes. Mikey hadn't let go of me since that night. I didn't tell him I hated how much care he was giving me, reminding me of my mistakes, and lets not get started on mirrors just seeing the stitches and bandages... I closed my eyes. "This good enough Donnie?" I growled. Raph kicked my shin, informing me I was being too harsh. I bit my lip and looked a Donnie. "Am I good to go?" Wow... this how Raph felt? I sighed and looked at Donnie. Donnie grunted and nodded. I stood up, I put a hand to the wall to support myself and limped into the dojo.

 _Breathe. In, out._ I closed my eyes. The dojo calmed me, even two years later it smelt like sensei... Master Splinter, he remembered what he had said. Once last chance, he had one last chance to be the leader he was born to be. He pulled in the air, like a true leader he had to feel things coming, right before they happened. Like sensei had, he was ready for everything. He could feel his brothers, he could see them. Takashi had taken over the body and was sitting on the couch reading comics. Raph near by, sending punches at the dummy, shooting looks at Takashi. Donnie had taken a place on his favourite beanbag, scrolling through an online book about the brain. Donnie scrunched up his fist, the voices were eating at him again. Takashi stood up and yelled something about being unfair. Raph rolled his eyes.

Is this what sensei felt? I smiled. This was were I was, right before...all of that had happened.  
"Shut up..." A voice hissed. I frowned and pushed my spirit towards the voices. Rahzar...? Fish Face... I stood up, and sprinted to the lounge room.  
"The Foot!" I yelled, Raph looked at him. "There here." I explained.  
"Right," Raph laughed. "And I'm Crognard the barbarian" Raph looked at me. Takashi cocked his head. "Mikey is saying to trust him." He said. Raph looked back at him.  
"Well can you tell, Mikey we cant trust our dear old brother any more." Raph said through gritted teeth, I frowned.  
"Raphael..." I started to say.

I heard the explosion before it all came. I threw myself onto to Raph. Donnie yelled out, diving himself into a ball. The explosion came from through the lab, Donnie whimpered,  
"Well, well well." Karai mused and walked in. She was wearing high leather puts, a knife ready to pull out on both boots, her hair had grown out on the back, pulled into the traditional konochi bun, her eyes were pitch black. An ugly feeling ran down my spine, I grabbed my swords and lowered myself into a combat stance. "Leonardo." She smiled, Rahzar and Fish Face walked behind her both smiling. I growled. I noticed Raph helping Donnie to his feet.  
"What do you want?" I asked. Karai's eyes widened.  
"Me?" She frowned, she smiled, she pointed a finger at Takashi. "Him."  
Takashi whimpered, he froze for a second then nodded. It was the colour in his face that told me about the change. Mikey's eyes crossed down.  
"YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!" Mikey yelled and through himself at Karai. Karai dodged and through a roundhouse kick into Mikey's chest. Raph exploded.  
"NO ONE TOUCHES MY BROTHER!" He yelled and dived at Karai. Karai laughed, she flicked a hand and Rahzar punched Raph. Donnie rose shakingly to his feet. Fish Face laughs.  
"And to think you once murdered someone. Pathetic," He went to kick him, my sword hit his foot. Xever looked up and smiled. "Competition eh?" He smiles. I narrowed my eyes.  
"No one hurts my brothers. Ever." I said, I nodded at Raph. For a moment we took an understanding. The older brother, the leader and the step in. We protected our little brothers and took each other backs. Mikey looked at Donnie and nodded.

I cracked my knuckles and breathed in slowly. This was a battle field. I learnt more about myself on the field. I ran up, my sword safely at my side. Rahzar took his ground infront of me smirking. I looked at Raph and nodded, he ran behind the dog. I distracted, and sent a punch at his chest, I paused when Raph leapt, the knife ran over Rahzars paw. I cocked my head.  
"Your missing something." I said, p. Rahzar looked down, Raph landed his position, he looked back at me and smirked.  
"My..." He flicked his hand, his wrist flew forward and hung loosely by a single strip of skin. Fish Face looked over and laughed.  
"Nice look Rahzar!" He grinned Rahzar growled and shook his head, he jumped at Raph.  
"I got this one Leo." Raph nodded and me. I nodded back and launched at Karai. Karai laughed.  
"Well, well Mr failure Leonardo." She walked towards me, running a finger over the bandage on me neck. I froze up when the cold fingers grabbed me, my instincts went wild. RUN! RUN! I looked at her, damn she was hot. No no no! Why couldn't I move? Even my tongue was stiff.

"No." Donnie said, he found himself and stumbled himself towards Karai. Karai raised an eyebrow and looked at the purple masked turtle. She lifted a finger off me. My body relaxed.  
"Oh? Donatello?" She chuckled, Donnie grabbed his staff. Karai laughed, she ran up to Donnie, Donnie grabbed the fist she was flying at him. Karai's eyes widened, then smiled. "You still have something." Donnie grunted.  
"Leo's my patient, he's still healing." He said calmly, and threw a kick at her cheek. Karai yelled out.  
"You dare!" She said. Donnie nodded.  
"What? This?" He twisted his staff and whacked Karai's butt. Karai jumped, Donnie smirked her twirled his staff... It was amazing, the scared Donatello crying about the voices disappeared, I saw him again. The brother that would shoot me a look when I made fun of his crush on April. Karai spat blood on the floor.  
"Guess the Hamato's do have something." She said, dodging another swing from Don's staff. She threw down a smoke bomb. Raph jumped and leapt forward to follow them.  
"Wait." I ordered, Raph looked at me.  
"Yes?"  
"We won, we need rest." I said quietly. Donnie nodded, Mikey jumped up, he looked at Donnie, who returned with a grin. I collapsed on the couch, and focused on my breathing. "It was good." I smiled, Raph grunted and nodded, putting his sai away. We were one. The hamato clan.

 **so there mostly getting alone..woo lol rahzars missing a hand...idk guys...i got AO3 guys! the usernames the same..i think people like this book i got like 110 views on this book on ao3 in less that a week..sooo yeah... anyway! mum yelling at me im taking too long! WELL SORRY! I TOOK TIME TO ACTAULLY WRITE A 1000 WORD CHAPTER WITH ACTION! I TRIED FOR ONCE! SORRY MUM! hehe im kidding mums great..**

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	21. The mind

**This chapter is short... also another note im sorry i use the words Hell and Damn alot, its just in Australia they're not...not bad words...i know they're swear words in America..and im sorry guys anway...yeah**

Leo's POV

I smiled and lowered my swords.  
"Good fight." I grunted, Raph rolled his eyes.  
"Not really." Raph grunted, he rolled his eyes and trudged to his room. Mikey frowned.  
"What you mean Raphie? It was fun!" Mikey's eyes sparked up in excitement. Raph frowned at the term 'Raphie'. How long had it been since someone called him that? He waved his hand.  
"It was alright." He admitted quietly. I smiled. Raph walked to his room. I nodded and looked at Donnie, who frowned back at me.  
"You ok bud?" I asked softly, hesitantly putting a hand out. Donnie's eyes widened and he jerked away from me.  
"I'm fine." He said quietly, and preceded to head to his lap, to fix up what was left. I quickly followed, knowing he'll need help.

* * *

I picked up the fallen cabinet, pushing to it the corner and putting the tools back.  
"Want pizza for dinner D?" I asked. Donnie paused me and gave me a face like 'is that even a question?' Donnie grunted and walked towards his shelf of fallen trophy's, he cursed under his breath. Mikey walked into the lab, he had his right arm in a sling, a big smile plastered across his face.  
"Gonna share the joke with the rest of his the family?"Raph growled, walking in as well, he was scratching his head. Mikey looked at the three of us.  
"We were a family again." Mikey looked at us excitingly, I smiled too.  
"Yea.." I began Raph laughed loudly.  
"We were fighting Mike! I don't think that counts as a family." Raph rolled his eyes, Mikey's smile died. "We..we we're together..." He frowned at Raph, Raph glared back.  
"We're together now aren't we?" He said, he poked a finger at Mikey's forehead. "WRONG! Takashi's here Mikey." Mikey's shoulder's were shaking.  
"Yeah? So?" He stared down at the floor.  
"So...he didn't ask for you guys to argue..." He stared at the floor. "Stop crying please Shi." He moaned. Raph laughed.  
"You're little friend crying?" He asked, he started scratching the skin under his mask. "Why don't you just give him to the foot..." He growled. Mikey shook his head.  
"We'll loose Mikey too," I said. Raph looked at me and shrugged.  
"What? You think we didn't survive two years without him before?" He growled. His scratching became harder and rougher. Donnie cocked his head.  
"Raph?" He asked. Raph snapped his head towards Donnie.  
"WHAT?!" He asked, Donnie jumped.  
"Sssss..sorry." He mumbled, bowing his head, he allowed his knees to collapses onto the floor. Raph looked at disgust at Raph. I frowned, I took a cautious step towards Raph. Raph grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back. "What?" He hissed in my ear. I started shaking, barely registering what had just happened. I blinked at looked at Raph.  
"Raphael..." I frowned and looked at him, Raph looked back at me with a glare. My frowned sunk deeper.

* * *

"Are..you ok?" I asked, it was almost like the battle had impacted him emotionally, but Raph had seen hundreds of fights, he still went out on patrol with Casey almost every night, Raph narrowed his eyes.  
"Why wouldn't I be?" He snapped. I held back my laugh, the pain in my arm was becoming more annoying.  
"Well..." I tugged at my arm. Raph frowned at it and let go, I stumbled a few feet, holding out my arms to gain my balance, Raph frowned at me, he rubbed the side of his head.  
"Huh?" He frowned, almost in annoyance. Mikey jumped behind me, he gave me a confused look. I shrugged. Donnie walked towards Raph.  
"Raph..." He mumbled. "Take off you're mask." He said slowly. Raph looked at him and carefully took it off. Donnie slowly stumbled towards him, he grabbed Raph's shoulder. Raph frowned.  
"What are you doing?" He asked. Donnie traced a finger around Raph's ear. Raph's eyes widened, he send a kick at Donnie's chest. Donnie flung back, he whimpered, and looked at his chest. Donnie looked at me.  
"He's..he's got a brain worm Leo..." He whispered, I looked at Raph, I noticed a pained expression in Raph's angry face. My heart sunk..well shell..

 **ok im gonna be straight out..that chapter sucked...but i dont care anymore..i kinda had to speed write it...i gotta cadet camp all weekend...so i couldnt write this chapter over the weekend and stuff anyway yeah! also im 15yrs old and im going trick or treating! (as a hobbit) woooooooooo im like tiny so it works..im 150...(4'11) yeah! anyway bye!**

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	22. Fix it donnie

**HEY, hey guys guess whats in 29 days? CHRISTMAS! presents, food, presents...angels, candy canes...annoying my friend with carols! haha! im excited im getting the new Magnus Chase book- bk3 ship of nails and hopefully Fullmetal Alchemist manga bk 4-6! yaaa**

 **umm enjoy?**

Leo's POV

I doubled back when Donnie said that.  
"WHAT?" I yelled, Donnie looked me in the eye and nodded.  
"Must of gotten in during of the fight." Mikey said proudly, as he'd worked it all himself. I nodded. Donnie started shaking.  
"How do we get it out?" Mikey asked looking at me his bright blue eyes blinked at me frowning. I frowned, realising how long i'd been since someone had relied on me to help them. I frowned and looked at Raph, realising he'd collapsed on the floor gripping his head.  
"Get out! You can't have either of them!" He growled, he shot dirty looks at me. "He'll stop you." He growled. I smirked and stepped in front of Donnie and Mikey.  
"Karai..." I walked to Raph, Raph looked up at me.  
"She's listening." He informed.  
"You touch my brothers..." I warned. Raph smirked, he sent a punch at my knees. I cried out, my knees broke way and I fell in front of Raph, who grabbed the front of my plastron. He threw me backwards and placed a knife to my throat.  
"Or what Leonardo? You'll hurt me? The foot has control my mind." Raph said.  
"If that's what it takes," I said quietly, moving my hand behind his neck. Raph yelled and rolled off me. I quickly pulled my hand away and smirked at him. "Well Raphael? What you got now?" I nodded at Donnie. Donnie walked quietly behind Raph, Raph flipped around.  
"You're making yourself an easy target Donatello." He jumped at Donnie. Donnie leaped back. My eyes barely caught Mikey leaping next to Raph. Michelangelo wrapped the karasuma chain around Raph. Raph growled and struggled in the chains. Mikey poked him and Raph tipped over to his side.

I smiled and walked over to Raph, and kicking him to his shell. Raph bared his teeth.  
"The foot has me Leonardo, I have no emotion now. No guilt if I kill you now." He growled. I gave a shrug, and looked at Donnie.  
"Get him to your lab?" I asked. Donnie grunted.  
"Yeah." Mikey and me picked Raph up.

Donnie frowned, he pulled Raph's mask off gently. "There's scaring." He informed. "Our ear hole is tiny though." Donnie groaned. I nodded.  
"Yeah." I agreed in annoyance.  
"What about poisoning the worm?" Mikey peered up, going on his tippy toes. I looked over at Mikey and frowned.  
"Huh?"  
"Well," Mikey said looking at Donnie curiously. "You were making a potion to destroy the worm, right?" Mikey smiled at Donnie. Donatello gave a nervous shrug.  
"A few years ago Mike." He said gently.  
"Don't you still have your notes?" I cut in.  
Donnie blinked. "Yeah...but..." He started.  
"But...?" Mikey demanded. Donnie gave a slight pout.  
"I...don't know if I can." Donnie mumbled.  
"Why?" I asked carefully.  
"Because." He growled.  
"Whose saying that? The voices? Or Donatello?" Mikey pouted. Donnie looked at him, then quickly away. Mikey grabbed his hand. "Donatello?" He asked. Donnie moaned slightly, he tugged at Mikey's hand. "Who said?" He asked.  
"He does." Donnie shook his head.  
"Ok..then what does Donnie say?" I crossed my arms.  
"I can't." He said.  
"Fine, well Leonardo and Michelangelo say you can." I said. Donnie looked at me.  
"Two verses one." I said.  
"Two verses two." Donnie corrected. I shook my head.  
"You gotta believe Donnie." I said. Donnie looked up and laughed loudly.  
"Believe?" He looked at me in disgust. "Believe what? Fearless leader?" He was glaring. I blinked. "Believe that you can do it." I said. I squeezed his hand. "Like you did so many years ago." I said. Donnie gave me a pained expression.  
"What if I fail?" He mumbled, I looked at him.  
"You will always fail," I said gently. "If you want to."  
"What? Nobody wants to fail Leo!" Mikey said frowning.  
"I did," I said, "I did think I did...but I did." I said. It was true, I hadn't wanted to care for my brothers, I'd wanted to fail. Donnie glared at me.  
"What do you know?" He mumbled dryly. I decided to ignore that comment.  
"Mikey, check his draws for his notes." I instructed, walking into the cupboard, and pulling out chemicals and other equipment. Donnie sighed,  
"I'll try." He said, I shook my head.  
"No, you will fix him." I said in a demanding voice. Mikey looked at me and then back at Donnie. Mikey gave Donnie shrug.  
"Leo's got his I'm the leader look D," Mikey said. "Better listen before he punches someone." Mikey smiled at me. Donnie groaned, he walked to his table. He grabbed his notes and started scanning them. Something clicked in Donnie's eyes, a sense of relaxation. His hands were too fast for me to catch. But what made me smile, was when he let his tongue slip out. I chuckled slightly. Mikey looked up, "Huh?" He frowned. I shook my head gently and walked towards Raph.

"Hi." I said, sitting next to him. Raphael looked at me.  
"You can't fix me, Chaplin has made the brain worms more powerful than Stockman ever could." He said immediately, not even bothering to look at me. I blinked. Chaplin? I looked at Raph.  
"Whose Chaplin?" I asked, Raph turned his head slowly and looked at me smirking.  
"What? You didn't think after DONATELLO MURDERED STOCKMAN, that Shredder wouldn't find another genius?" I heard Donnie wince at the mention of his crime.  
"So a scientist?" I asked, knowing the answer. I looked at Raph's bored, obvious expression.  
"So he wants Takashi?" I asked.  
"Mistress," Raph corrected. "Mistress Karai wants Donnie and...whatever freakish thing Takashi and Mikey are."  
"Why?"  
"Donatello's brain, if she can't get him to talk, his brain will be useful enough," Raph said, I looked back towards Donnie. The scientist started shaking, Mikey put his hand on Donnie's shoulder.  
"Keep working Donnie." He murmured. I glared back at Raph.  
"What does she want Mikey for?" I asked.  
"He's stupid, easily corruptible, easy to control once you gain his trust...I mean you did it once right Leonardo." Raph smirked, my hand slapped across Raph's cheek.  
"No," I growled. "I don't control anyone, see," I leaned in. "That's one thing that separates the Foot clan, from the Hamato clan. We work in team work, not controlling." I said growled. Raph shrugged.  
"If you say so."

"I'm done!" Donnie stood up and gave a gaped tooth grin. Mikey beamed proudly next to him. I gave a supportive smile.  
"Great!" I shoved Raph against the ground. Raph growled and tried to kick my shin. I smiled slightly and held Raph in place. Donnie walked over with a dropper in his hand. He looked sadly at Raph.  
"Sorry, this'll hurt Raph," He said and fell to his knees gently. He put his hand on Raph's neck. "Easy." He mumbled and placed the dropper against Raph's head. I watched in anxiety as he squeezed the dropper, I watched the three drops go gently in.

Raph's eyes shot open. "ARGH!" He thrashed out. Donnie jerked back, the dropper dropped on the ground. Raph layed his head done, breathing deeply.  
"Leo..." He said, I walked up to him.  
"Yeah?" I asked.  
"Get these freaking chains off me so I can stand up." He said, giving me a annoyed very much Raphael look.

 **so...Raph's ok again**

 **also..i wanna apologizing that i do so much talking in the chapters..its cause i do alot of rping..like so much...btw if any of you like rping im free most days!**

 **Yeh..um...i actuially wrote 1000 words this time...or more for once! haha instead of being like eh 700/800 words is enough! eh...haha..**

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	23. brain worm

**lol sorry if anyone is actually reading this crap id forgotten about ...then realised i had 3 months of updates i hadnt done**

 **not that anyone actually cares..**

 **this book is dumb...cringy as hell...**

Raph's POV

So I had a brain worm, I stared at my wall. The sick feeling in my stomach not going away. I had spent two years trying to change myself, trying to help Donnie keep his depression at bay. But now I had probably opened wounds that couldn't be fixed. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. Calm down Raph, its over. I stood up and walked into the kitchen. Mikey looked up and grinned, his smile seemed to light up to world when Mikey smiled it meant he hoped, when he hoped it meant there was hope. Maybe thats why we all broke, because he couldn't find the hope that took its self home in Mikey's heart.  
"Hey." I said gruffly. Unfortunately Leo took this moment to smile himself. I scowled in return. "Where's Donnie?" I asked.  
"He's in his lab!"Mikey shouted and grabbed my hand and lead me into the lab.  
"Shell." I cursed, the lab was a mess. Donnie had taken himself on top of the battle shell curled into a thick ball. I sighed and looked at Mikey for him to go. Mikey caught my eye and nodded. I climbed on to the vehicle.

"Hey." I said and gently touched his arm. Donnie jerked and looked up at me with watery eyes.  
"Hi..." He mumbled.  
"Whats wrong?" I asked immediately, it at first it had felt weird taking my thoughts into words asking people- or more just Donnie to tell me whats wrong. I'd always cared Leo had complained about me being careless, but I wan't I just didn't know how to talk to people, not that way anyway. Donnie looked up at me, carefully studying me. I smiled gently.  
"Raph..."Donnie said eventually. He curled his legs closer to his chest. "I saved your life today, but...the voices...the voices treat it like a bad thing," He looked up at me. "Is it a bad thing?" I frowned and shook my head. Donnie nodded, he stood up and climbed off the truck and walked out.

Karai's POV

I cursed, she glared at Chaplin. "You said this would work!" I yelled and shoved Chaplin across his lab. Chaplin's eyes widened.  
"Mistress Karai! I didn't know!" He begged. I shook my head.  
"That's not good enough!" I yelled and sent a kick at him. Chaplin curled himself into a ball, we was pathetic, it almost hurt that someone like this WORKED in the foot, under MY command. I growled. "Get up!" I yelled and shoved my boot into his rib cage. Chaplin whimpered.  
"Let me try again." He begged. I shook my head. I leaned into his face.  
"You mean let you fail again?" I growled. "Over my dead body." I sent him another kick and walked into my office.

It was Father's old office, it calmed me. The blood stains that ran down the walls and through the black carpet, the blade rips down the walls. In the dark I could almost here the echos of long forgotten screams. I smiled and relaxed myself into the chair. Father was gone, that still hurt, I lost the one person who...I paused my thoughts thinking what Oroku Saki had ever taught me, he taught me how to fight. How to kill how to focus one emotion into everything. How to kill, to hurt people and not feel a thing. Emotion was useless, or more emotion other than anger. I sighed and stood up, taking one last look at the office and walking out.

Rahzar was sitting next to Fish face, their voices low. I smiled silently and walked passed them. "I swear Karai's a witch, almost like that Shinigami chick, she used to hang around in Japan." Rahzar hissed under his breath. I heard Fish Face chuckle. "Shes a freak." He continued.  
"Says you." Fish mumbled, Rahzar sent him a punch with his stump. I smirked at the weak punch. Fish face jumped. "Mistress Karai!" He yelled, lowering his head into a bow. I stared at Rahzar until he did the same. Power was good, yes I could see why Father loved it so much

 **so...that sucked sorry umm also side note..no offense but i really dont like people who just read the book and never vote...its like are you enjoying it? guys? idk yeah umm so really short and half tried! im trying to watch Stranger things s2 ep2! i love dustin..hes my son..theyre all my sons...but dustins my fav haha**

 **oh yeah and im thinking of re-writing the chapters..idk if i should post'em here like over the old ones or under this book..OR a new book..like later? thoughts guys?**

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	24. patrol

**...yeah**

Casey's POV

I tapped my foot against the wall. It had been two weeks, two weeks of coming here and waiting for him, I checked my phone. I'd been out here for thirty minutes. I gave a deep sigh and started to head towards my apartment,  
"Oi! Where the 'ell do you think your going?" A rough voice asked, I jerked my head up and smiled. Raph.  
"Home, got a problem with that?" I asked smirked, picking up my bat. Raph smiled, his eyes seemed to harden since the last I'd seen the emerald turtle, just when I thought it was impossible to hurt him more. Raph unsheathed his sai,  
"Wanna check Chinatown first?" He asked, already setting at a run. I followed at his heels.

Nothing much happened this night, Me and Raph caught some scum bags mugging a young lady.  
"Leo's back." Raph finally announced after the first hour. I frowned, Leo had left? "I think Mikes reappearance...did something with him, I think he's trying to be a big brother again, "Raph spat, "Who the shell does he think he is? All he did to Donnie!" Raph growled, I said nothing behind him. He stopped running, his head tilted towards me "How are you and April going?" He asked between deep breaths, I blinked.  
"Well... April's been wedding planning and...she wants a family." I mumbled, I remember when she'd first announced that. My heart stopped, family. I never knew that word, my dad had never cared for us. Mum just took the beats while me and my little sister sat in the corner I holding her. I grimaced, at the wave of memories hitting me.  
"Sorry," Raph said, I nodded then jerked back. Sorry?! Raph must have notice my confused expression because he looked up at me and said, "Alot has happened this month." I nodded.

"Bingo." I smiled, seeing Bepop and Rocksteady prowling down an ally. They had changed, both had foot tattoos branded on their shoulders, wait no it looked branded. I winced in sympathy, till I remembered who it was- then I smirked. Raph saw them he nodded. I pulled out my bat and flung myself at them. In the air I rose and set a wack at the back of Bepop head. I laughed, sliding to my feet. Bepop yelped he growled.  
"Oi!" Rocksteady snorted, he pulled out his two sickles. I looked around for Raph. WHERE WAS HE?  
"All alone." Bepop laughed, he went to punch me, I laughed and dodged. My eyes darted between the two figures advancing on me. Where was Raph? I backwards, I grunted when my back hit the wall. Rocksteady raised a fist. I took a deep breath and went to slide away from.

Raph's POV

THAT IDIOT. I growled, Casey was waving around his stick. I sighed and bowed my head. I sheathed my sais and darted around the alley, looking for an opening to strike. They had backed Casey into a wall. I climbed up top the building. Rocksteady was raising a fist. 1, 2...I jumped on Rocksteady. I grabbed a knife and plunged it into his arms, granted knowing his thick skin it wouldn't do much, any more than a paper cut would do to a human. Still the annoyance.  
"You!" He growled.  
"Us." Casey laughed, he swung his bat at surprised Bepop's head. I watched in amusement as a tooth took to the sky as he knocked unconscious. Rocksteady glared at us. I pulled into a battle stance.  
"Come get it." I growled. I smashed my fist into a spare hand, I set my eyes into his. Rocksteady pounded his foot on the ground. I cracked my neck then plunged myself at him. I sent my curled my fist at his thick neck. I felt a tug at my shell. I gasped out, he was pulling my up. My eyes widened as he through me into a wall. I gasped out. Rocksteady gave a long hallow laugh.  
"We have learnt many tricks turtle." He smirked.  
"Yeah so have we." I lied, the sickly feeling of blood was filling in my mouth. I swallowed it back and tried the attack again. Once again I found myself on the ground. I snarled and grabbed out my sai, running up against the wall and down. Rocksteady gasped, the blade didn't go anywhere deep, just down his shoulder. It would still leave him with a scar and a week away. He glared at me. I ignored it.  
"Casey!" I barked. Casey had tied Bepop to a trash can and repeatably kicking his head.

"Where did you go?" Mikey greeted me when I climbed back down the man whole to the sewers. I jumped.  
"Mikey!" I shouted, then relaxed seeing him. I grunted slightly. "No where." I answered, not in the mood to talk to him. I'd gotten thrashed by Rocksteady, Mikey knitted his eye brow.  
"Raph, you're..bleeding.." He pointed to my chin, where the blood was running down. I shook my head.  
"The foot." I explained. "Nothing me and Casey can't handle." It was a half lie. Mikey frowned, then nodded.

 **ughgh i sometimes feel like im not a good writer at all. like ill be in english nad ill try and write something and its crap..even now i feels like its crap**

 **ANYWAY! waht about that dragon: race to the edge ending? it lead right into how to train your dragon 2! i loved it! and i was so happy it was a happy ending for once...**

 **yup**

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	25. Hope

**...an update?**

Leo's POV

It was the final appointment, Donnieslowly unwrapped the bandage around my neck, he looked up at me. Hisexpression was blank and nothing I wanted to try and met my expression, his shoulders wiggled slightly in a what?Kind of expression. I shook my head and walked out the lab. Raphlooked at me straight away, he was training on his punching bag. Hewinced at every punch, He had several bruises and his walked as ifevery step hurt, when I'd first walked out to breakfast and foundhim like this I'd asked him, but as I expected all I got was thegrunt of ' _none of your business fearful'_ He had , again with the nicknames, least he hadn't called me cowardagain. Of course I was, I had tried to end my life...So I was in facta coward, still hearing those words... They pounding in my ears,sending a short stab up my neck. Cruel reminder, a cruel reminder Ineeded. I grimaced and walked into the dojo.

I walked straight to the crackedphotograph of Father and his family, my fingers gently brushed thelayers of dirt. Hamato Yoshi, I remembered meeting him. Thedisappointment in his expression and voice when I...attempted. I bitmy lip, I thought about myself in his position, all he had was sons, the four brothers the broken brothers. Thinking about Irealised he had his brother, and due to dangerous thoughts hisbrother became...evil. That evil killed his wife, that evil haddestroyed his daughter, that evil took his sons memory. That evilfuelled my evil. Is this what Shredder would want? My hands wereshaking thinking about it. I refused to accept Takashi. Would Yoshigive him that chance? I know Splinter would, I had tried so hard tobe just like Splinter, heck I'm surprised I didn't dress up like himfor halloween as a kid...and yet I was always the furtherest awayfrom being him. I put down the photograph. I took in a deep breathand stumbled back.  
"Sorry dad." I mumbled shaking, I rolled myneck back, looking at the cold sewer ceiling.

Raph's POV

I paused and leant on the trainingdummy taking in several deep breaths. Leo grunted from the curiosity I walked into the dojo. Leo was standing in front ofsensei's shrine, shaking as he clenched a photograph. I titled myhead, and walked up to him. A long scar ran down his neck, a coldshutter ran down my body. I grimaced and took Leo's hand. It wascold, I wanted him to stop shaking, It reminded me of Donnie, Istudied to him, Did he really regret it? Was he really trying to getbetter...? Leo's eyes slightly opened, he looked towards me inconfusion.  
"The foot are getting stronger." I informed,setting my mouth straight. Leo slowly lifted his head. His handtwitched under my grip. I let go of it, maybe I could trust him. Myheart wanted to, but my mind, my mind needed to protect Mikey andDonnie, if Leo wasn't, if he refused to. Maybe this was a phase andhe'd go back to the cold monster he was for two years. Donniewouldn't...none of us would. The Hamato clan would go back to how itwas. Living for the sake of living, no purpose and just destroyingeach other in the process. There would just be one, or really twomore people to join the mental blood bath.  
"Did they give themto you?" He asked, pointing to the bruises along my arm.  
"Bepopand Rocksteady," I asked, "They've gotten stronger." Iexplained. Leo nodded. His mouth set hard, I hadn't seen this face inalong time. His leader face, he was planning something, I... I lookeddown and noticed the frame in his grip. Yoshi and his family. Was Leotrying for him? My frown dug deeper. He was trying for sensei. Whichmeant maybe he wanted to be a leader again.  
"We need to takethem down." Leo burst, I snapped my head to see his eyes. I noddedslightly.  
"Right..." I said, "Do you have a plan? Or attackand go?" I asked. Two years ago I wouldn't of asked, I would'vegrabbed my sai's and prepared for war...now...Now I had to bestrong. Had to trust my leader, no matter how much I still hated was a reason Splinter had made him the leader not me; control.I just had to hope that control was still there. The control Leo wasdigging for was still there. Leo grunted.  
"I will soon." Hesaid. I nodded, taking the frame from his hand slightly and placingit on the shrine again. Leo looked at the photograph and grunted. Hisshoulders lifted slightly.

I nodded and walked into thekitchen and found Mikey and Takashi talking in the kitchen overpizza. I sat across from him.  
"Mikey." I said aloud. Mikeysnapped his neck to me.  
"Yes?" He smiled. I looked him in theeye.  
"Do we trust Leo?" I asked, he would know. Mikey's eyeslit up.  
"We do." He smiled. I nodded. Right...war we preparefor.

 **yeah...idk these chapters are getting worse lolol**

 **wordy words!**

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 **-Ninja out**


	26. déjá vu

**Ya'll weak 13k? boi on wattpad i got 23.6k?**

 **so i realised some people actually care about this book on here? maybe? 30 followers i guess**

 **ON WATTPAD I GET MORE**

 **ahaha**

 **anyways heres the update..**

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Donnie's POV

I walked slowly into the dojo, my heart slamming. Leo smiled when he saw me. I lowered my head. Mikey was already in the room sitting on the floor a single nun-chuck in his hand. I sighed and sat down, Mikey waved at me, I lowered my gaze to the floor.  
"Donnie," Mikey whispered. "You'll need your staff." He said, holding it out for me.I frowned and nodded.  
"Right, umm," I tried to collect my thoughts, how long had it been since I was in here? Actually trying to train, I grunted and took my staff from his hand, I noticed Mikey's scratched marks desperately trying to clean the dust.  
 _You're actually going to fight for them?_ An angry voice mocked in my head, I tensed my face. What else was I to do? I looked at Raph, who had just entered the room.  
"You think you can destroy The Foot?" I asked, wincing at myself as the words came out, can't I just stay home or away? Aren't I just the healer now? Can't I just be the healer?  
"No", Leo said, sharpening his katana. "We're going to destroy The Foot together, they deserve to pay, after what they did to Mikey, to Splinter and this family." He said those words so confidently, I almost felt like we we're a real family again. Splinter would walk up to Leo, squeeze his paw on his shoulder and prepare us. I was shaking slightly, Raph took a confident nod. Leo passed his eyes over us, a fearful look at me. I set my mouth hard, glaring slightly back at him. Leo's stature shifted slightly,  
 _That's right Donatello tell him you can't be broken down._ The voice in my head cheered me, I responded with nothing, but I can be, I have been.

Leo pulled his gaze from me and limped to the front of us. "Umm, Casey and April are coming soon but we should start without them..."  
"Are we gonna spar today?" Mikey asked. Leo nodded, he was shaking slightly.  
"So...Raph you fight me, Mike you want to go against Donnie?" He mumbled. Raph unsheathed his sai.  
"You going down Leo," Raph growled, I could sense the lie in his voice, everyone here was trying to renormalise what was going on. I stood up, holding my staff between my hands. Mikey stretched his arm and legs.  
"Ready Donnie?" Mikey asked, I blinked, right stretching.  
"...Sure..." I said, getting into a pose. Mikey beamed at me, he went slowly, pulling his shoulders back he leapt at me, I flung my self back grabbing his arm and pulling him towards me. Mikey smiled and shoved a kick towards me, I grunted and stumbled backwards. Mikey back flipped back in front of me.  
"You okay D?" Mikey asked. I nodded, rolling my shoulders back.  
"Again", I said, Mikey nodded and ran at me again.

Everything hurt, my head pounded blood dribbled down my chin. I groaned and collapsed on the floor of the dojo.  
"Really good training today guys!" Leo said, trying to sound upbeat. Everybody else was in good shape. A pang of guilt ran through me as I looked down at my skinny body, my caved in chest. I squeezed my ribs.  
"Hey", Raph said gently, I turned around to see the red turtle smiling at me. He pressed a gentle hand into my shoulders. "You did great today." He smiled. A new line of bruises ran up his shoulders and arms.  
"But I always lost." I whimpered. Raph shrugged.  
"You haven't trained in years", He explained. I looked away from those pitied eyes, don't look at me like that I wanted to say. "Time will get you back in shape." He playfully punched my shoulder. This was it, Raphael really wanted the old family back again...

"We too late?" Casey and April walked into the lair, Leo smiled at the couple.  
"We're taking a short break", Leo said.  
"WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED!" Mikey yelled running at them. Leo sent a pressed lipped smile at our little brother.  
"Right", Leo nodded,  
"Yeah!" Casey waved his hockey stick in the air. A wave of sickness was running through me seeing Casey and April. Their hands held so tightly, April was so much happier with him. Am I not good enough for her? Raph always told me to stop those thoughts. If I really cared about April I should focus on what made her happy. But that wasn't it, it wasn't her I cared about. It was me, my selfishness consumed into myself interlining hatred towards Casey and just wanted April with me. A hand found my shoulder. I yelped and looked to who was there. Raph was holding strong intense eyes at me.  
"Just go to the lab", He whispered. I started to say something, Raph shook his head. "Breathe take care of yourself first", Raphael explained. "They'll be gone in a few hours." I held back that sob that was growing steady in my throat.  
"Okay." I barely managed. Raph moved away from me. He clapped loudly moving towards in front of Leo.  
"Whose ready for training from hell?" He grinned. I looked at Raph giving a small nod of thanks.

I walked back into my lab. Closing the door quietly behind me. My legs were shaking badly, I could barely find the air to breathe. I clenched hands against the tables. Breathe. My chest hurt I laid my head into the table. Breathe. How could I be so weak? Casey and April have been together for two years and I couldn't be around them. I'm so stupid, how dare I even think I can call myself a son of Hamato Yoshi he wouldn't care, he would be able to move on. I growled and slammed my hand into the bench. I took in deep breaths and rested my head on the table. Tears ran down my cheeks. I'm a freak who has no reason to be alive, I can do anything. I can't get the girl, I couldn't save Mikey or sensei... what can I do? Wait I can do one thing...I can murder people... I sobbed into my bandaged hands. What use to I have to this family? They have the leader back, The strong one and the happy turtle. All you need in a strong team. No one needs the depressed one, The one who can't even see their crush happy without breaking out in tears...

"Donnie?" Someone whispered, I jerked up and saw Mikey opening the door, No not Mikey, Takashi. I scowled trying to wipe my tears.  
"What?" I sobbed. Takashi walked up to me.  
"Mikey...Mikey said he wanted me to talk to you..."He said. I frowned tilting my head. Huh?

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 **I finshed the thing...**

 **yay..**

 **idk...**

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 **-Ninja out**


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